A Little Weekend Humour.


Pushing a Car

As I pulled into the gas station, I noticed a woman trying to push her car toward the pump. Having always considered myself a Good Samaritan, I parked and joined her in pushing her car.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“I’m giving you a hand,” I said. “What are you doing?”

“I’m stretching before my run.”

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Doctor’s Prescription ()

Mr Jones goes to the Doctor, who after examining him says, “You have some problems with your heart. But if you take these tablets I think it will be OK.

Mr Jones asks “Do I take them every day”. No replied the Doctor, take 1 on Monday , skip the Tuesday, take 1 on Wednesday, skip the Thursday and go on like that.

Two weeks later the Doctor met his wife in the street and asked how Mr Jones was, she told the Doctor he died of a heart attack. Surprised the Doctor offered his sympathy, and stated he thought he would be alright if he took the tablets.

“Oh the tablets were fine”, says Mrs Jones. “It was all the skipping that killed him.”

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Flying Is Like Driving

On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.

“I’m sorry to bother you,” she said, “but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time.”

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Thought for the Day

‘Well you see , Norm, it’s like this…A heard of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good from the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving b the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.

Now, as we know, excessive drinking eliminates the weaker brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain faster and more efficient.

And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

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In Heaven

A German Shepherd, a Doberman and a Cat died. In heaven, all three faced God, who wanted to know what they believed in.

The German Shepherd said, “I believe in discipline, training and loyalty to my master.”

“Good!” said God. “Sit at my right side.”

“Doberman, what do you believe in?” asked God.

The Doberman answered, “I believe in the love, care and protection of my master.”

“Aha,” said God. “You may sit on my left side.”

Then God looked at the cat and asked, “And what do you believe in?”

The Cat replied, “I believe you are sitting in my seat.”

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English Class

TEACHER: Jean, what does trickle mean?

JEAN: To run slowly.

TEACHER: good. Annie, what does anecdote mean?

ANNIE: It’s a short, funny tale.

TEACHER: Well done. Now, Rita, give me a sentence with both of these words in it.

RITA: Our dog trickled down the street wagging her anecdote.

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Cold Coffee

Before the cup of coffee even touched the table, my brother told the waitress, “Take it back. It’s cold.”

The waitress poured him another cup and returned a minute later, only to be told once again, “Take it back. It’s cold.”

The third cup, however, he accepted, which prompted the waitress to ask, “How did you know the first two cups were cold without sipping them?”

My brother said, “Because with the first two, your thumb was in the coffee.”

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Marriage Vow

A husband died and a few years later the wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes.

“Darling, Oh how I’ve missed you!’

The husband extends his arm stopping her from embracing him and says, “Whoa there woman, the contract was till death!”

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Two Cows

Two cows were looking over a gate. One said to the other, “What do you think about this mad cow disease?”

The other cow looked over and replied, “Why should I care? I’m a helicopter.”

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Trip to the Morgue

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

“First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his very young mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector,” says the Coroner.

“Second body: “Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”

The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?”

“Ah,” says the coroner, “this is the most unusual one. Seamus the potato farmer from Ireland, 30, struck by lightning.”

“Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector.

“Thought he was having his picture taken.”

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About irishroverpei

Author of "Lily & Me", "The Royal Navy & Me" and Chapter XXl Armageddon. Writer, blogger and RN Submariner, antique automobile enthusiast.
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