A Little Weekend Humour


Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,

‘You Sign! You sign!’ Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, ‘You Sign! You sign!’

Nelson says to him, ‘Look, you’ve obviously got the wrong man’, and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson’s nose, yelling,

‘You sign! You sign!’

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: ‘Look, go away! You’ve got the wrong man. I don’t want them!’ Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, ‘You sign! You sign!’

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him: ‘Look, I don’t want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?’

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:

(Get your best Chinese accent ready)

‘You not Nissan Main Deala?’

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Ed Dies was

Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ‘You died in your sleep, Ed.’

Ed was stunned. ‘I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’

St. Peter said, ‘I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.’

Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground..

A rooster strolled past. ‘So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’

‘Not bad,’ replied Ed the hen, ‘but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!’

‘You’re ovulating,’ explained the rooster. ‘Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?’

‘Never,’ said Ed.

‘Well, just relax and let it happen,’ says the rooster. ‘It’s no big deal.’

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming..

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard…..

“Ed, wake up! You Shit the bed!”

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Women’s Work

β€œYou know why a woman’s work is never done?”

β€œThey don’t get up early enough!”

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Smart Dolphins

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

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Man’s Retirement

My wife said β€œWatcha doin’ today?”

I said β€œNothing.”

She said, β€œYou did that yesterday.”

I said β€œI wasn’t finished.”

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Open House Appreciation

To show his appreciation to the community, our base commanding officer held an open house. This included a free meal in the mess hall.

I was busing tables when I noticed a family leaving a large tip. “Excuse me. We can’t accept tips,” I told them.

“It’s not for you,” said the woman. “That’s to help send your cook to culinary school.”

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Groaner: Balancing the Account

In the days before calculators, accountants were frequently unable to get their debits to balance with their credits. So, in order to overcome the discrepancy, they often created a bogus account titled “Taste” to store the unbalanced amount and allow the books to balance.

Unfortunately, the government soon heard of this practice and declared a new law: there would, from this point on, be no accounting for Taste.

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About irishroverpei

Author of "Lily & Me", "The Royal Navy & Me" and Chapter XXl Armageddon. Writer, blogger and RN Submariner, antique automobile enthusiast.
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