A Little Weekend Humour


Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?

A. It was the pot calling he cattle back

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A Frickin’ elephant

Jake is five and learning to read. He points at a picture in a zoo book and say, (Look Mummy! It’s a frickin’ elephant!”

Deep breath….”What did you call it?”

“It’s a frickin’ elephant, Mummy! It says so in the picture!”

And so it does….African Elephant – Hooked on phonics!

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Shopping at Coles

Apparently if you buy a cabbage from Coles Supermarket you are legally obligated to also buy carrots and mayonnaise.

It’s Coles Law

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Pastor Ouch

A retiring pastor was saying farewell to his congregation at the church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said, “Your successor won’t be as good as you.”

“Nonsense,” said the pastor, in a flattered tone.

“No, really,” said the old lady, “I’ve been here under five different ministers, and each one has been worse than the last.”

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Therapy

A couple, both age 78, went to visit a sex therapist. When they arrived the surprised doctor asked, “What can I do for you folks?”

The man said, “Will you watch us having sex?”

The doctor was confused, but politely agreed to the couple’s request.

After they had finished making love the doctor commented, “I don’t see anything wrong with the way you have sex,” and charged them $50 consultation fee.

The couple returned week after week. Each visit they would ask the doctor to watch them have sex, pay him $50, and leave.

After a few months, the doctor finally commented, “You’ve been visiting me for months now and I see nothing wrong. You both seem passionate, happy, and capable. What exactly are you trying to find out?”

“Nothing,” the man replied. “She’s married so we can’t go to her house. I’m married so we can’t go to my house either. The Holiday Inn charges $100 a night. The Hilton charges $125. If we come here it only costs $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare!”

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The Jew was a Cook

A Jewish cook went to the Vatican and insisted on seeing the Pope.

After a long wait, the Pope granted him an audience and asked the cook what he could do for him.

The Jew said that he was a cook, before him his father was a cook, his grandfather was a cook, his great grandfather was a cook, and that he comes from a family of cooks that goes back over 2000 years….

The Pope congratulated him and asked him again: “What can I do for you?”

The Jew said: “There’s an outstanding bill for the last supper.”

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Cooking Skills

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked the dinner, so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

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Sports Pun

Q: Why is Cinderella such a bad baseball player?

A: Because she has a pumpkin for a coach, and she ran away from the ball.

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Wedding RSVP

So apparently RSVP’ing back to a wedding invite ‘maybe next time’ isn’t the correct response!

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Appearance.

Most females don’t answer video calls after 9pm because their face has been restored to factory settings!

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Shut Shop Sign

I had to close early today.

You miss out on my coffee.

I get a root canal.

There is no winner here!

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About irishroverpei

Author of "Lily & Me", "The Royal Navy & Me" and Chapter XXl Armageddon. Writer, blogger and RN Submariner, antique automobile enthusiast.
This entry was posted in family, Just Fooling. Bookmark the permalink.

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