A Little Weekend Humour


Santa and the Devil
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
One said to the other, “What do you think about all this Satan stuff?”

The other boy replied, ‘Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It’s probably just your Dad.’

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Gabe the Gorilla
Did you hear about the recent incident at the Brisbane Zoo? Their famous Gorilla, Gabe, died unexpectedly and he had been one of the biggest attractions–especially for the children.

Well, since the busy season for the zoo was just around the corner and they did not have time to get a new gorilla, one of the zookeepers came up with this idea. They had one of the other zookeepers dress up in a complete gorilla outfit and pretend to be Gabe. This zookeeper really took to this new job and he got to be quite good at swinging from the branches, eating bananas and was fooling everyone.

One day, however, he was a bit too enthusiastic. He ended up swinging a bit higher than expected and let go at the wrong time. He ended up sailing out of his cage and directly into the cage of the lion. He gulped and was barely able to squeak out a tiny “help!”

The lion sauntered over to him, got really close and whispered back. “Shut up, or we will both lose our jobs!”

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Art Gift
During Christmas time I was shopping in an arts and crafts store, where a friend of mine worked, for a gift for my niece. She had taken an interest in oil painting and I planned to purchase a beginner set of paints and brushes.

My friend was at the cash register when I was checking out. I hadn’t seen her for a few weeks and had started a diet in the meantime, having moderate success. She asked me if I had gotten thinner. I was thrilled that it showed already and replied that I had lost a few pounds.

She rolled her eyes and said, “I meant paint thinner.”

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Weekend Activity

During my recent physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.

I described a typical day, “Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few ‘leaks’ behind some big trees.

The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers.” Inspired by the story, the doctor said, “You must be one hell of an outdoors man!”

“No,” I replied, “I’m just a terrible golfer.”

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Losing Weight )

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.
β€œThat’s not going to help,” she said.

β€œSure, it does,” he replied. β€œIt’s the only way I can see the numbers!”


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Cannibal Canoe

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals. The chief cannibal comes to them and says, “The bad news is that now that we’ve caught you, we’re going to kill you, put you in a pot, cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.”
The Frenchman says, “I take zee sword.”

The chief gives him a sword, he says, “Vive la France!” and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, “Right–a pistol for me, please.”

The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at himself, says, “God save the queen!” and shoots.

The New Yorker says, “Gimme a fork.”

The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There’s blood gushing out all over; it’s horrible!

The chief is appalled, and asks, “What in the world are you doing?”

The New Yorker says, “So much for your stupid canoe!”

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The Potty…

A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what’s up.

The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But, about every 15 seconds or so, he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of his head with his right hand.

His mother says, “Billy, are you all right? You’ve been in here for a while.”

Billy says, “I’m fine, mommy. I just haven’t gone potty yet.”

Mother says, “Okay, you can stay here a few more minutes, but billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?”

Billy says, “Works for ketchup.”

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28 Days

On February 29th, the teacher was explaining to her second grade students the days of the month.

She told them that we add the extra day every four years to adjust for the earth’s rotation around the sun.

She went on to explain that, “some months have 30 days and other months have 31 days.”

Then she asked “which month has 28 days?”

Rachel replied, “They all do!”

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Duck

A kindergarten teacher handed out a colouring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella.

The teacher told her class to colour the duck in yellow and the umbrella green. However, Rian, who always does things HIS way, coloured the duck in a bright fire truck red.

After seeing this, the teacher asked him: “Rian, how many times have you seen a red duck?”

Young Rian replied with “The same number of times I’ve seen a duck holding an umbrella.”

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Successful Dads

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, ‘My Dad scribbles a few word on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.’

The second boy says, ‘That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.’

The third boy says, ‘I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!’

About irishroverpei

Author of "Lily & Me", "The Royal Navy & Me" and Chapter XXl Armageddon. Writer, blogger and RN Submariner, antique automobile enthusiast.
This entry was posted in family, Just Fooling. Bookmark the permalink.

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