Weekend Funnies


Toilet Paper

Where did the Terminator find Toilet Paper?

Aisle B, Back

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Whose Baby 

After 10 years a wife started to think their child looks kinda strange so she did a DNA test and found out the child is not theirs, she told her husband what she found out.

The husband replied, β€œYou don’t remember do you? When we were leaving the hospital the baby pooped and you told me to go change him. So, I went inside and got a clean one and left the dirty one there.”

The wife fainted…..

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Henry Kissinger’s Words of Wisdom,

“No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternising with the enemy.”

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Kevin had shingles.

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor’s office should appreciate this! Doesn’t it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?

Here’s what happened to Kevin: Kevin walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: ‘Shingles.’

So, she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Kevin what he had…Kevin said, ‘Shingles.’

So, she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, ‘Shingles..’ So, the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, ‘Shingles.’

The doctor asked, ‘Where?’

Kevin said, ‘Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload ’em??’

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Expecting

A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend. “You see,” he explained, “my wife’s expecting.”

“Oh…” said the Officer, “I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck.”

The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation: “My wife’s expecting.”

The Officer looked surprised. “Still expecting?” he said, “Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course, you can have the weekend off.

“When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the Officer lost his temper. “Don’t tell me your wife is still expecting!” he bellowed.

“Yes sir!” said the soldier resolutely, “She’s still expecting.”

“What on earth is she expecting?” cried the Officer.

“Me,” said the soldier simply.

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Sisters of St Francis 

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye…it reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION…10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.

Soon he sees another sign which reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF

PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next

to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, β€œWhat may we do for you, my son?”

He answers, β€œI saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business….”

β€œVery well, my son. Please follow me.” He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door

and tells the man, β€œPlease knock on this door.”

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.

This nun instructs, β€œPlease place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.”

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

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Staying Warm

Cold? Go stand in the corner, It’s 90 degrees.

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About irishroverpei

Author of "Lily & Me", "The Royal Navy & Me" and Chapter XXl Armageddon. Writer, blogger and RN Submariner, antique automobile enthusiast.
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