Weekend Funnies


No Ears Baby

Little Johnny’s neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnny looked in the crib he said, “What a beautiful baby.”

The mother said, “Why, thank you, Johnny.”

Johnny said, “He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?”

“Yes,” the mother replied, “We are so thankful; the doctor said he will have perfect vision.”

“That’s great,” said Little Johnny, “Coz he’d be in trouble if he needed glasses.”

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What’s in a Name?

One caller to our answering service gave me his name, number and message and then said, “You know my name. What’s yours?”

“We’re not allowed to give our names,” I replied, “but my operator number is 4136”

Sounding disappointed, he said, “May I call you by your first digit, or would that be too personal?”

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Bar Visit

Delta and Omicron walked into a Bar. The barman asked if they wanted a Corona?

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Farmer

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of wheat.

He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, “Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?

“The farmer replies, “I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize.

“How?” asks the man, puzzled.

“Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field.”

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The Confessional 

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, “ain’t no use knockin, there’s no paper on this side either!”

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Employment (

β€œI work with animals” the guy says to his date.

β€œThat’s so sweet” she replies. β€œI love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?”

β€œI’m a butcher” he says.

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The Best Guide

A local hunting guide got himself into a big problem. His party became hopelessly lost in the mountains and they blamed him for leading them astray.

“You told us you were the best guide in New South Wales!” they asserted.

“I am!,” he said, “but I think we’re in Victoria now.”

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They Don’t Understand Me …

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything.

I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I asked was “How are you getting on?”

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About irishroverpei

Author of "Lily & Me", "The Royal Navy & Me" and Chapter XXl Armageddon. Writer, blogger and RN Submariner, antique automobile enthusiast.
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