Weekend Funnies

The Builder 

A guy walks into a lumberyard and askes for some two by-fours. The clerk asks, “How long do you need them?”

The guy answers, “A long time. We’re gonna build a house.”

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

Dentist and Patient

Dentist – “Try to relax. I’ll pull your aching tooth in five minutes.”

Patient – “How much will this cost?”

Dentist – “It`ll be $100.”

Patient – “That much for just five minutes work?”

Dentist – “Well if you prefer, I can pull it out very slowly.”

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

Old Tractors

A little girl was watching her daddy repair his tractor.

She asked her mother, “What happens to old tractors when they finally stop working?”

Sighing, her mother answered: “Someone sells them to your father, dear.”

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

Food Rating 

A Lycra-clad dietician stood in front of the crowd addressing a group of seniors. “MEAT!” she screamed, pointing at the audience. “Meat is one of the worst things for your body. Every year, we poison ourselves with enough meat to kill us!”

The crowd contemplated this drastic assumption for a moment. “VEGETABLES!” screamed the dietician. “If they are not organic, most vegetables are crawling with germs and harsh chemicals.” The crowd, once again, fell silent for a moment.

“BUT! There is ONE food that can KILL us quicker than meat or vegetables,” boomed the dietician surveying the crowd “YOU SIR” she said, pointing at a random man in the front row. “Can you tell me – what’s the worst food for your health?”

Without skipping a beat, the man replied “Wedding cake.”

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

Car Trouble 

When you know it’s time to get a wheel alignment….

My car needs a wheel alignment

It keeps pulling into KFC

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

About irishroverpei

Author of "Lily & Me", "The Royal Navy & Me" and Chapter XXl Armageddon. Writer, blogger and RN Submariner, antique automobile enthusiast.
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