Weekend Funnies


in honour of Mother’s Day last Sunday – Mother’s Dictionary

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Dad to get up at 2 a.m. also.

Defense: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let the children play outside.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look out: What it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Prepared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words.

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a sponge.”

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

Turtle Wreck

A snail hitched a ride with a friendly turtle. As they reached an intersection another turtle came along and rammed into them!

A cop came and questioned the snail: “What happened here?”

The little snail replied, “I don’t know — it all happened so fast.”

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

Words Of Comfort 

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, had recently died. “You know,” Mom said, “it’s not so bad. Skipper’s probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God.”

Susie stopped crying and asked, “What would God want with a dead dog?”

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

Company Policy- Hire Only Married Men!

A company had a policy of hiring only married men.

Concerned about this, the leader of a local Woman’s Liberation Front, called on the C.E.O. of the company and asked him, “Why is it that you limit your employees to married men?”

“Is it because you consider us women weak, dumb, cantankerous, tantrum-throwers and bossy ?”

That C.E.O. replied, “Not at all, Ma’am. Our policy is to hire staff who are used to obeying orders without questioning, are accustomed to being shouted at, know how to keep their mouths shut, and would put up with anything, when I yell at them.”

“And we found all these qualities only in married men.”

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

Irish Drinking Problem 

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.

Quinn thinks he’s very lucky because his own wife makes him walk. 

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

Church Notice 

With all this rain we need an Ark!

(Wait for it….) We Noah guy

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

Getting Married 

Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.

Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?

Boy: Yes….grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too….and she’s the best cook and story teller in the whole world!

Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there!

Boy: What problem?

Dad: She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother?

Boy: Why not? You married mine!!!!!

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

About irishroverpei

Author of "Lily & Me", "The Royal Navy & Me" and Chapter XXl Armageddon. Writer, blogger and RN Submariner, antique automobile enthusiast.
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