Weekend Funnies


Jewish Modesty 

A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion during a dinner.

Catholic: “I have a large fortune… I am going to buy Royal Bank!”

Protestant: “I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!”

Muslim: “I am a fabulously rich Prince… I intend to purchase Microsoft!”

They then all wait for the Jew to speak… The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says:

“I’m not selling”

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

Rookie Drill Instructor

A rookie drill instructor escorted his first batch of new recruits to the mess hall. He told them, “There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!”

Checking to see that he had everyone’s attention, he asked, “What is the first rule?”

Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, “Shut up, Drill Sergeant!”

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

Earl and Shirley.

Earl knocked on the front door, which was answered by Shirley.

“Is Bud in?” he asked.

Shirley didn’t like Earl, Bud’s friend, so she wasn’t friendly.

“Yes, but he’s in the shower. What do you want?”

“Oh, nothing, Shirley. How ya doing?”

“As I said, what do you want?”

Earl wasn’t deterred by her chilliness. “You know, Shirley,” he said, “I’ve wanted to do something for a long time.”

“What’s that?” Shirley asked, with an icy stare.

“I’ve wanted to give you a kiss,” he said, “and this seems to be a good opportunity. I’ll give you $100 for a kiss on the lips. How about it?”

“You’ll pay me $100 for a kiss on the lips?” Shirley asked him.

“Yes,” and he pulled out a 100-dollar bill and gave it to her.

“I knew you were a loser, Earl, but I didn’t know you were so desperate. Okay, I’ll do it.” She looked up and down the street to see that nobody was looking and she leaned over and gave Earl a nice, little kiss on his lips.

“Oh, that was good,” Earl said. “But I have another proposition. How about a real kiss with your arms wrapped around my neck? I’ll pay you $400 this time.”

Shirley didn’t want to go through this again, especially with Earl, but she knew she could use the money.

She considered the proposition for a moment and then said, “Okay. I’ll do it but I want the cash first.”

“Sure,” Earl told her. “Here you are.” He handed her four 100-dollar bills, puckered up, and closed his eyes with anticipation.

Shirley, not wanting to fulfill her promise but wanting the easy money, then wrapped her arms around Earl’s neck and planted one of the best kisses on his lips that she’d ever given any man.

“Wow, that was great,” Earl told her. “Thanks, Shirley. Tell Bud I dropped by.” With that, he walked away.

After tucking the money into her pocket, Shirley walked into the kitchen where she met Bud, who asked her, “Who was that at the door?”

“It was your friend, Earl,” she told him.

“I wish I had answered the door,” Bud said. “That guy owes me $500.”

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

Cold?? 

 Go stand in the corner.

It’s 90 degrees

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

Sleepless Accountant

An accountant got out of bed one morning and complained that he had not slept a wink.

“Why didn’t you count sheep?” his wife asked.

“I did, and that’s what got me into trouble,” the accountant replied. “I made a mistake the first hour, and it took until morning to correct it.”

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

Military Accounting 

When I was a young recruit in the Army, I lost my 303 rifle. I told my Sergeant Major and he replied “That will cost you $2,000 son”.

So. I asked him how much would it cost if I lost an Armed Personnel Carrier?

“$3 million”, he replied. Then I asked how much if I lost a Chieftain Tank?

He said: “$7 million”

My reply….”No wonder Captains go down with their ships!”

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

Punishment

Two rabbinical students were caught by the Rabbi gambling and drinking in the company of undesirable characters — even before the sun set on the evening of the Sabbath. The Rabbi called them into his study the next day. Both confessed to having given in to weakness, and admitted that they deserved punishment.

The Rabbi thought and then went into his kitchen and brought back two bags of dried peas. “Put these in your shoes,” he told them, “and walk on them for a week, to remind yourself how hard life can be when you turn away from the Law.”

A few days later the two students met. One was limping terribly, had dark circles under his eyes, and looked very tired. The other seemed much as he had been the week before.

“Hey,” said the first. “How is it that you are walking so freely. Didn’t you do as the Rabbi told us and put the peas in your shoes?”

“Of course, I did,” said the other. “How could I disobey the Rabbi?” He started to walk away, paused and then said, “But I boiled them first.”

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

About irishroverpei

Author of "Lily & Me", "The Royal Navy & Me" and Chapter XXl Armageddon. Writer, blogger and RN Submariner, antique automobile enthusiast.
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