Weekend Funnies

Amusing  word play! 

I don’t want to brag about my finances or anything…but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me that my balance is outstanding.

I’ve just finished installing a high voltage fence around my house.

The neighbours are dead against it.

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.

The Egyptians claim there are no crocodiles in their country. I think they’re in de Nile.

I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81?

He said Nein.

Not sure if my wife knows any geography.

But Alaska.

It’s been months since I ordered the book “How to Scam People Online”. It still hasn’t arrived yet.

I’m making a fortune selling home security systems door to door. If the people aren’t home I just leave a brochure on their kitchen table.

I went to the paint shop this morning to get thinner.

It didn’t work.

I just bought a 51% share in a vampire hunting business.

I’m the main stakeholder

Someone posted that they had just made synonym buns. I replied, “You mean just like the ones that grammar used to make?”

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

A blonde female bought herself a new Mercedes. She could drive the car during the day, but at night the car wouldn’t move at all. She tried driving the car at night for a week but no luck.

Furious, she called the dealership, told them the problem and the sent a mechanic to the house. The mechanic gave the car a thorough inspection and could not find anything wrong.

Eventually, he asked the blonde, “Are you sure you’re using the right gears?”

“Of course I am. I’m not stupid. I use ‘D’ during the day and ‘N’ at night!”

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

The Romans 

Julius Caesar: “Why are all my royal chariots so dented and dinged up?”

Chariots Manager: “Hail, Caesar.”

Julius Caesar “Very Good, but again what happened to my chariots?”

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

Mum’s Advice

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his ‘private part’ hanging out.

‘I thought I told you to call your mum!’ she said.

‘I did,’ he said, ‘And she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she’d come and pick me up from school.

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

Ahh . . . Friendship

A man, fond of practical jokes, decided late one night to send his friend a collect telegram which read: “I am perfectly well.”

A week later, the joker received a heavy parcel… collect… on which he had to pay considerable charges. Upon opening it, he found a big block of concrete which had this message:

“This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind.”

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

About irishroverpei

Author of "Lily & Me", "The Royal Navy & Me" and Chapter XXl Armageddon. Writer, blogger and RN Submariner, antique automobile enthusiast.
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