Weekend Funnies


Vacation

Linda and Marion were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.

“I started a new practice last year,” Linda said. “I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months.”

“Why in the world would you do that?” Marion asked.

“It’s the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without,” Linda said.

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Miles and Eggs

The teacher noticed that Al had been daydreaming for a long time. She decided to get his attention.

“Al,” she said, “If the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs are sixty cents a dozen, how old am I?

“Thirty-four,” Al answered unhesitatingly.

The teacher replied “Well, that’s not far from my actual age. Tell me…how did you guess?”

“Oh, there’s nothing to it,” Al said. “My big sister is seventeen and she’s only half-crazy.”

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Lucky Number 5

A 55-year-old man who was born on May 5, had been married 5 years, had 5 children, and made $55,555.55 a year. Of course, his lucky number was 5.

The man receives a phone call from a friend. The friend informs him that a horse named Lucky 5 will be running in the fifth race at the local track that evening.

Excitedly, the man withdraws $5,555.00 cash from his bank account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5.

Sure enough the horse comes in fifth.

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Country Wit 

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged.

After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen in front of him.

The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50.

The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.

The farmer turned to the husband and said, “You know, you’re the tenth car I’ve helped out of the mud today.”

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, “When do you have time to plow your land? At night?”

“No,” the young farmer replied seriously, “night is when I put the water in the hole.”

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Bible Study

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, β€œThe man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned into salt.”

His son asked, β€œWhat happened to the flea?”

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Some Quick Ones

–      Last week I was helping my partially deaf nan move home, and I kept on finding wads of money pushed down the backs of chairs and stuffed into rolled up socks. When I asked her why she’d done this she said that her financial adviser had told her that she should put her savings into socks and chairs

–      People have always named their children after expensive things, eg Mercedes, Dior, Chardonnay etc. Next year, watch out for Electric, Gas and Diesel.

–      My girlfriend asked me to put tomato sauce on the shopping list… now I can’t read anything

–      Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.

–      I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

–      I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, β€œAisle B, back.”

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Workers Shortage

Circuses are struggling to find new clowns as top prospects are continuing to go into politics

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Adult’s Age

One of my fourth graders asked my teacher’s assistant, “How old are you, Mrs. Glass?”

“You should never ask an adult’s age,” I broke in.

“That’s okay.” Harriett smiled. “I’m fifty.”

“Wow, you don’t look that old,” the boy said. I was breathing a sigh of relief when another child chimed in, “Parts of her do.”

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About irishroverpei

Author of "Lily & Me", "The Royal Navy & Me" and Chapter XXl Armageddon. Writer, blogger and RN Submariner, antique automobile enthusiast.
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