Weekend Funnies


Memory

The kids keep laughing about my memory. They won’t be laughing at Christmas when there’s no eggs under the tree!

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Winning and Losing

Every September there is a football match between the accounts department and the marketing department and every year the accounts department wins.

Far from being a good loser the marketing department were slightly miffed so put out a memo with its take on the season: “The marketing department is pleased to announce that for the 2022 football season, we came in second place, having lost just one game all year. The accounts department, however, had a dismal season, winning only one game.”

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Accident

A truck carrying hundreds of dictionaries and thesauruses lost its load as it turned a corner sharply. The books scattered all over the road. Several bystanders were interviewed by reporters for the TV news

They said they were “startled”, “shocked”, “stunned”, “frightened”, “astonished”, “dumbfounded”, “stupefied”, “jolted”, and even “flabbergasted” by the accident.

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(

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby

“Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said.

“No,” said the minister. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”

“You’re both wrong,” the guru said. “The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.”

The repairman could no longer contain himself. “Hey, fellas,” he interrupted. “The best prayin’ I ever did was when I was hangin’ upside down from a telephone pole.”

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Biting Humour

A couple who’d been married for over 50 years was sitting on the sofa.

The wife said, “Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?” He moved over and sat close to her.

“Dear,” she continued, “do you remember how you used to hold me tight?” He reached over and held her tight.

“And,” she went on, “do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?”

With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room. “Where are you going?” she asked.

“Well,” answered the husband, “I have to go and get my teeth.”

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The Pharmacy 

The other day I went over to a nearby Pharmacy. When I got there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the Pharmacists’ Counter is located. I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.

The pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me.

I said, “Yes! Could you please taste this for me?’

Being I’m a senior citizen…I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me. He picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around.

Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began coughing.

When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?”

The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, “HECK NO!!!”

So I said, “Oh thank God! That’s a real relief! My doctor told me to get a pharmacist to test my urine for sugar!”

Well, I can never go back to that pharmacy, but I really don’t care though, because; they aren’t very friendly there anyway!!!

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Strangest Dream

“I had the strangest dream last night,” a man was telling his psychiatrist.

“I saw my mother, but when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face. You can imagine, I found this very disturbing, and in fact, I woke up immediately, and couldn’t get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come, and then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream.”

The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding: “A Coke? You call that a breakfast?”

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Whorehouse sues Local Church over Lightning Strike!

What an interesting turn of events in Pahrump, Nevada…

Diamond D’s brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding — with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church. Work on Diamond D’s progressed right up until the week before the grand re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground! After the brothel burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about “the power of prayer.”

But late last week ‘Big Jugs’ Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church … “was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business — either through direct or indirect divine actions or means.”

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and vociferously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building’s demise.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff’s complaint and the defendant’s reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, “I don’t know how the hell I’m going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it’s all bullshit…

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About irishroverpei

Author of "Lily & Me", "The Royal Navy & Me" and Chapter XXl Armageddon. Writer, blogger and RN Submariner, antique automobile enthusiast.
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