Weekend Funnies

Supermarket Assistance. \





I asked a supermarket worker where they kept the tinned peaches. He said, “I’ll see,” and walked away. I asked another one and he also said, “I’ll see’” and walked away.



In the end I gave up and found them myself, in Aisle C.



🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂



4 retired truck drivers



Four retired truck drivers are walking down a street in Cooktown. They turned a corner and see a sign that says, Old Timer’s Bar – all drinks 10 cents!



They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.



The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, ‘Come on in and let me pour one for you! What’ll it be, Gentlemen?’



There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini.. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced Martinis…….. shaken, not stirred, and says, ‘That’ll be 10 cents each, please.’



The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other……..they can’t believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their Martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent Martinis are produced and the bartender again saying, ‘That’s 40 cents, please..’



They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.



They have each had two Martinis and so far they’ve spent less than a dollar.



Finally one of the men says, ‘How can you afford to serve Martinis as good as these for a 10 cents each?’



‘I’m a retired tailor from Sydney,’ the bartender said, ‘and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs ten cents – wine, liquor, beer, it’s all the same.’



Wow!!!! That’s quite a story,’ says one of the men.



The four of them sipped at their Martinis and couldn’t help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn’t have drinks in front of them, and hadn’t ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, ‘What’s with them?’



The bartender says, ‘Oh, they’re all grey nomads from the caravan park, waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price.’



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Broken Dryer



When our dryer broke, my husband set to work. He found the problem quickly and, since he needed to replace the belt, decided to repair a cracked knob and a broken hinge too.



Upon arrival at the Sears parts counter, he said he needed a belt, knob, hinge, and a crescent-shaped wire he’d found inside the dryer. He didn’t know where it belonged, but he confidently assured the clerk that he could figure it out once he got into the job.



“I have the other parts,” the clerk said, “but for the wire you have to go to Lingerie. This is an underwire from a bra.”



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Suits Me



I took my suit to the dry cleaners the other day and they wanted me to pay $18 to clean it, so I took it to the charity shop instead.



I called back two days later and found it hanging there all cleaned and pressed, so I bought it back for $5.



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Scuba Diving Geologist



There’s a scuba diving geologist who has made it his business to measure the relative sizes of the rises, drops, cavities and undulations of coral formations. Of course, this can only be done in the summer months so he takes the winters off to avoid the frigid air.



You may tag him as a frost-free reef ridge rater.



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Flashing Lights



The other day while driving home, after being delayed at my office, I suddenly saw flashing lights in my rear-view mirror.



The police officer pulled me over for speeding. Hoping for a little leniency I explained to him that I was rushing home to be with my wife on our first anniversary.



But rather than letting me off with just a warning, he went ahead and wrote out the ticket, handed it to me, and said, “Congratulations! The first year is paper, right?”



🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂



Author of LILY & ME , and THE ROYAL NAVY & ME
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