Weekend Funnies

Which Child?’



It turns out that when asked who your favourite child is, you’re supposed to pick one of your own!!



I know that now!



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Storage Place



My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.



I usually keep them in my head, but, storing them in a decorative crystal bowl seems really classy.



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Parking Rage



Someone just honked to get me out of my parking spot faster.



So now I have to sit here until both of us are dead.



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Shopping’ (





I got in touch with my inner self today, that’s the last time I’ll buy 1 ply toilet paper at the dollar store.



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Fighting Boys



I was the substitute youth leader at a local synagogue when two boys who were fighting were brought to me.



They were brothers.



I asked what’s the problem?



The first answered, “He called me ugly!!”



The second one said, “That was after you said I had a face like a frog!”



I tried very hard not to laugh… they were identical twins!



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Supporting the Family



Jake had proposed to young Gina and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law.



“Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?” the older man asked the suitor.



“Yes, sir,” replied Jake, “I’m sure I am.”



“Think carefully now,” said Gina’s father. “There are twelve of us…”



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Travel Advice



Wife, “I have blisters on my hands from the broom.”



Husband, “Take the car, next time.”



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Going Nuts



A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a club soda. As he sipped the soda, he heard a soothing voice say, “Nice tie.”



Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later, the voice said, “Beautiful shirt.”



At this, the man called the bartender over. “Hey, I must be losing my mind,” he told the bartender. “I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there’s not a soul in here but us.”



“It’s the peanuts,” answered the bartender.



“Say what?” replied the man in disbelief.



“You heard me,” said the barkeep. “It’s the peanuts…they’re complimentary.”



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Author of LILY & ME , and THE ROYAL NAVY & ME
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