Weekend Funnies


Crazy Thoughts

2,000 pounds of human hair en route to a wig factory fell onto the highway when the truck carrying it overturned. No one was injured, and everyone is looking for clues as to why the accident happened. State Police, in fact, are still combing the area.

Curious as to why cowboys always want to “die with their boots on,” a greenhorn from the city asked one of them one day. “Well,” said the cowboy, “I reckon it’s so we won’t hurt our toes when we kick the bucket.”

At the last ball game, I was at, I discovered that the man calling balls and strikes had been born in Rome, Italy. He grew up in Rome, New York, and currently made his home in Rome, Georgia. Yup, he was the Wholly Roman Umpire.

I’ve always wanted to be the guy who tests the mattresses. It seems like such a dream job.

Is a giraffe family reunion the necks of kin?

My uncle was arrested for throwing bombs off a boat, but they dropped the charges.

If we’re not careful to conserve our water resources, we could go from one ex-stream to another.

I cannot tell a lie. I’m a great dancer. That’s right, I cannot bear false witness to waltz fitness.

If you trade a sausage for a sea bird, have you taken a tern for the wurst?

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Leroy

Uncle Leroy got a job down at the broom factory.

On his first day the straw boss (floor supervisor) calls Leroy into his little office and says, “You the new man huh? What is yer name?”

Leroy replied, “Leroy.”

The straw boss says, “I don’t call anyone by first names. It breeds familiarity and that leads to breakdown in my authority. I refer to all employees by last names. Now what is your last name.”

Leroy sort of smiles and says, “Its Darling – Leroy Darling!”

The straw boss said, “Now Leroy, the next thing……..”

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Reality of Life.

A Pessimist sees a dark tunnel. An Optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel, A Realist sees a freight train.

The Train Driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks

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Today’s Green Shopping

So let me get this straight. I go to the grocery store and buy a kilo of sliced ham wrapped in plastic, a loaf of bread in a plastic bag, a pack of napkins wrapped in plastic, a Greek salad in a plastic container, a plastic bottle of mustard and a plastic bottle of tomato sauce, and they won’t give me a plastic bag to carry it home because plastic is bad for the environment????

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Science Fact 

If you took all of the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.

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Names 

I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins

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Hitchhiking.

Picked up a hitch-hiker. Seemed like a nice guy.

After a few miles, he asked me if I wasn’t afraid that he might be a serial killer?

I told him that the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely

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A Shy Visit To The Dentist

A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for his first cleaning and check-up. The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but no response.

After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check. The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well.

“How old are you?” No response.

The dentist then asked, “Don’t you know how old you are?”

Immediately four tiny fingers went up.

“Oh,” replied the dentist, “and do you know how old that is?”

Four little fingers went up once again.

Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked, “Can you talk?”

The solemn little patient looked at him and asked, “Can you count?”

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The Doctor’s Surgery 

So, this man called his doctor’s surgery for an appointment.

Receptionist: “I’m sorry but we are very busy and you will have to wait at least two weeks”.

Man: “But I could be dead by then”!

Receptionist: “No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment”.

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At the Post Office.

A woman walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter systematically pasting β€˜Love’ stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. The woman’s curiosity gets the better of her and she walks up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says: β€œI’m sending out one thousand Valentine’s Day cards signed, β€˜Guess who?’”

β€œBut why?” asks the woman. The man replies: β€œI’m a divorce lawyer.”

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Guitar Players 

A guy at the Pub last night asked me to name three Qatar players.

Easy.  I said Eric Clapton, George Harrison and Jimi Hendrix

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About irishroverpei

Author of "Lily & Me", "The Royal Navy & Me" and Chapter XXl Armageddon. Writer, blogger and RN Submariner, antique automobile enthusiast.
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