Weekend Funnies

Corned Beef

A man went into a deli shop and took a seat at the lunch counter. “Give me a corned beef sandwich,” he ordered.

“Corned beef sandwich is not on the menu, but I can give you a sandwich with corned beef in it, like our Midnight Special.”

“What’s a Midnight Special?”

“A triple decker with corned beef, tongue, bologna, tomato, lettuce, onion, pickle, and mayonnaise, on toasted raisin bread.”

“Could you just place a piece of corned beef between two slices of white bread and serve it to me on a plate?”

“Why, sure!” Then, turning to the sandwich man, he sang out: “One Midnight Special. Make it one deck; hold the tongue, bologna, tomato, lettuce, onion, pickle, and mayonnaise; and make the raisin bread white, untoasted!”

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

Sleeping.

Why is sleeping-in considered lazy but going to bed early isn’t?

I’m starting the #All Sleep Matters movement

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Merlin and the Chap

A chap walks up to another chap in a pointed hat and says: “You’re Merlin, aren’t you?”

Merlin: “Why, yes … it’s nice to be recognized!”

Chap: “Bit of a wizard, I hear?”

Merlin, “Well, yes, I’ve been told I’m skilled.”

Chap: “Do tricks and things, don’t ya? Magical stuff?”

Merlin: “Magical – yes, that’s correct.”

Chap: “Turn kings into frogs and that sort of thing … is that right?”

Merlin: “Well, yes, I suppose I could turn a king into a frog.”

Chap: “Ever mucked up – ya know, made a mistake?”

Merlin: “Well, yes – hasn’t everyone?”

Chap: “Can you reverse a curse?”

Merlin: “Yes, I can, with knowledge of who applied the curse and the actual words of enchantment, I could do it. Why?”

Chap: “I’m cursed.”

Merlin: “Really? And how long have you been bewitched?”

Chap: “Years.”

Merlin: “Do you know the words spoken over you to lay this curse?”

Chap: “Yeah – can’t forget them!”

Merlin: “What were they?”

Chap: “Something like: ‘Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?'”

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

Eat Your Breakfast

An actual conversation a friend of mine had this morning with her son:

HER: “Eat your breakfast.”

HIM: “Why?”

HER: “You want to grow up to be super smart, don’t you?”

HIM: “No. I want to grow up to be like daddy.”

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

Mother-in-Law Advice

A woman calls her mother-in-law, “Can you tell me who change the child if it poops itself? The Mum or the Dad?”

“It is always the mother, honey.”

“Okay then, can you come over please? Your son got drunk and shit himself.”

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

Drinking and Driving 

I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving. This might save you the cost and embarrassment of being arrested for DUI.

As you know, people have been known to have unexpected brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a “social session” with family or friends.

Well, this year, it happened to me. I was out for the evening to a party and had more than several margaritas coupled with a bottle of rather nice red wine. It was held at a great Mexican restaurant.

Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit. That’s when I did something I’ve never done before.. I took a taxi home.

On the way home there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident. These roadblocks can be anywhere and I realized how lucky I was to have chosen to take a taxi.

The real surprise to me was I had never driven a taxi before. I don’t know where I got it, and now that it’s in my garage I don’t know what to do with it.

If you want to borrow it, please give me a call.

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Brothers

At the construction site of a new church, the contractor stopped to chat with one of his workmen.

“Paddy,” he asked casually, “didn’t you once tell me that you had a brother who was a bishop?”

“That I did.”

“And you are a bricklayer! It sure is a funny world. Things in life aren’t divided equally, are they?”

“No, that they ain’t,” agreed Paddy, as he proudly slapped the mortar along the line of bricks. “My poor brother couldn’t do this to save his life!”

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂