Weekend Funnies

Medicine!!



Wouldn’t it be nice if you read a medicine bottle that says…’Warning: May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles and increase energy.



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Nun Drinking



A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking. In self-defence the man says, “Who told you that drinking is bad?”



The nun says, “Mother Superior told me.”



To which the man asks, “So, have you ever tried it?”



The nun replies, “No, I haven’t ever taken a drink of hard liquor.”



The man says, “Well then, don’t criticize me if you haven’t tried it. I’ll tell you what if you try it and don’t like it, I’ll give up drinking for life.”



The nun agrees, “Okay but bring it in a teacup. I don’t want people thinking I’m drinking.”



The man goes up to the bartender and says, “Bring me a couple of shots of vodka but bring one of them in a teacup.”



The bartender looks at the man and says, “Is that nun in here again?”



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Loneliness.





Sometime you might feel like no one’s there for you, but you know who’s always there for you?



Laundry.



Laundry will always be there for you.



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Senior’s Logic





I went to the liquor store Monday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Johnny Walker Black and put it in the bicycle basket.



As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break.



So I drank all the Johnny Walker before I cycled home.



It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.



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Religious Firemen



During an ecumenical assembly, a secretary rushed in shouting, “The building is on fire!”



The Methodists prayed in a corner.



The Baptists wondered where they could find water.



The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.



The Lutherans posted a notice on the door announcing the fire was evil.



The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the cost of the damage.



The Jews posted symbols on the door in hopes the fire would pass.



The Congregationalists shouted, “Every man for himself!”



The Fundamentalists proclaimed, “It’s the vengeance of God!”



The Anglicans formed a procession and protested.



The Christian Scientists denied that there was a fire.



The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson to form a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report…



The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.



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Vocabulary Words (Think Yank)



One evening while I was preparing dinner, my daughter came into the kitchen asking for homework help on her vocabulary words. “Mom,” she asked, “what’s a quarter horse?”



As I thought of a simple explanation, my five-year-old son piped up, “It’s the one they have in front of the grocery store.”



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Author of LILY & ME , and THE ROYAL NAVY & ME
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