Weekend Funnies

The Bill (Thanks to Fred for this one)



Paddy had a leak in this bathroom so called a plumber. The plumber came and repaired the leak.



A few weeks later the Plumber phone and asked Paddy because he had not paid. Paddy said your bill was not what you quoted me.



The plumber said I didn’t give you a quote.



Yes, you did said Paddy, when asked you when you could come. You said you would be free on Friday



🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂



The Golf Bag



About four or five years ago I was standing in a ticket line at LAX, and a fellow in a line parallel to mine had a golf bag slung over his shoulder. Since the line was long and airline ticketing is a slow process at best, we struck up a conversation. He brightened when I admired his golf bag, and he proudly stated that he was on the PGA Tour. Then he turned to me and asked the question all golfers ask: “Do you play?”



I shook my head, “I used to, but I quit because I wasn’t very good. I shot consistently in the lower seventies.”



There was a long, low in-take of breath, then “The lower seventies?”



“Yes,” I admitted.



“Consistently?” he queried admiringly.



“Every hole,” I confessed.



🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂



Babysitter



My wife and I had the best babysitter. She would wash, dry, and put away the dishes; clean the house; and even help with the laundry after putting our kids into bed.



Once, we were getting ready to go out for the evening, and my wife was embarrassed because she had let the dirty laundry pile up.



Before we left, she threw all our dirty clothes into the dryer so the babysitter wouldn’t see it.



You can imagine our surprise when we returned to find all our dirty clothes folded neatly in the laundry room!



🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂



The Deaf Wife Problem





Bert feared his wife Peg wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.



Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.



The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.



‘Here’s what you do,’ said the Doctor, ‘stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.’



That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, ‘I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.’ Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’



No response.



So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, ‘Peg, what’s for dinner?’



Still no response.



Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’



Again he gets no response.



So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’



Again there is no response.



So he walks right up behind her. ‘Peg, what’s for dinner?’



(I just love this)



‘For goodness sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!’



🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂



Retired Brother



My wife was chatting with her brother, a business executive who had retired last year. While discussing the joys of his new leisure time, he remarked that he had been compelled to give up skiing, a sport he had enjoyed for many years.



“Why did you quit skiing? Are you afraid of injuries?” my wife asked.



“I am now!” her brother responded. “Before, I could have a cast at work and still get the job done. But now a cast would mess up my golf game!”



🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂



Author of LILY & ME , and THE ROYAL NAVY & ME
Visit blog and website?? http://www.irishroversbooks.com