Weekend Funnies

Being Jewish





A younger man and an old woman are travelling by train, and the old woman, after looking closely at the young man, leans forward and says, “Excuse me, young man, are you Jewish”?



And he looks up from the book he is reading and politely replies, “No ma’am, I am not Jewish”.



A few minutes later the old woman leans forward again and says, “Excuse me young man, are you sure you are not Jewish?”



Again the young man looks up from the book and replies, “No, I told you. I am not Jewish.”



After a few moments of silence, the woman again asks the man, “Are you sure that you are not Jewish?”



In exasperation, the young man stares at the old woman, and says, “Okay, okay! I AM Jewish! Are you happy now?”



“That’s funny,” the old woman replies. “You don’t look Jewish!”



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Shhhhh…



A woman, employed as a telemarketer, was making phone calls to different households.



A little boy answered and whispered, “Hello.” The woman asked if his mother was there. The little boy whispered, “Yes.” The woman asked if she could speak with her. The little boy whispered, “No, she’s busy.”



The woman asked if his father was there. The little boy whispered, “Yes.” The woman asked if she could speak with him. The little boy whispered, “No, he’s busy too.”



The woman asked if anyone else was there and the little boy whispered, “Yes, the fire department is here.” The woman said, “May I speak with one of them?” The little boy whispered, “No, they’re all busy.”



The woman asked if anyone else was there, the little boy whispered, “Yes, the police department .” The woman said, “May I speak with one of them?” The little boy whispered, “No, they’re all busy too.”



The woman said, “May I ask what they’re all doing?” The little boy whispered, “They’re all looking for me.”



🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂



Break Even



Two men are in a bank when armed robbers break in.



One robber rushes the teller windows, one guards the door and the third bank robber stands in the middle of the bank and yells, “Right! Everyone up against the wall and empty your pockets. We want valuables, watches and wallets.”



The first man jams something into his buddy ‘s hand.



“What’s this?” asks his friend without looking down.



“It’s that $100 I owe you,” answers his friend.



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Which Pub



Before the crowbar was invented, crows had to drink at home!



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The Seasons



Terrible summer for Humpty Dumpty, but he had a great fall!



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Some Assembly Required



A man bought a new gadget — unassembled, of course — and after reading and rereading the assembly instructions still couldn’t figure out how it went together. Finally, he sought the help of an old handyman working in the backyard. The old fellow picked up the pieces, studied them, and then began assembling the gadget. In just a few minutes he has it all put together.



“That’s amazing,” said the man. “And you did it without even looking at the instructions!”



The handyman replied, “Fact is, I can’t read, and when a fellow can’t read he’s got to think.”



🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂