Weekend Funnies

Defense Contractor



My job is in the Aerospace Industry, and it’s always been a challenge to explain what kind of work I do.



At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, “Defense Contractor.”



The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, “So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?”



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The Dog Ate My Sermon



A preacher worked hard on his sermon most of the week and retyped it all up on Saturday night. But during the night his dog chewed it all up. He didn’t notice until it was time to go to church.



When he got in the pulpit, he said, “I had a nice sermon prepared for you this morning, but my dog chewed it up. I’m going to have to rely on the inspiration of the Lord today, but I promise to do better next Sunday.”



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My Age?





I’m at the age where my mind still thinks I’m 29. My sense of humour suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.



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Marriage 1





My wife said to me, “You’ve put on a lot of weight.”



I said, “I’ve had a lot on my plate lately.”



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Marriage 2





For the past 21 years my wife has been complaining about me not putting the cap back on the toothpaste.



Last anniversary, I decided to change this bad habit and make my wife happy. For a week, I was diligent, always capping the toothpaste. I was expecting my wife to thank me, but she never did it.



Finally last night, she turned and looked at me and said: “Why have you stopped brushing your teeth?”



Marriage is a difficult relationship. I tell you.



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Marriage 3





Historical Marker



On this exact spot in the afternoon of April 27, 1968 a marital argument was won by the husband.



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Author of LILY & ME , and THE ROYAL NAVY & ME
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