Weekend Funnies

Understanding Football

I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast!!

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Home Delivery

Every time my husband sees a mattress on top of a car he says, ‘Crazy prostitutes are doing door dash now.”

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Talking to Self

It’s OK to talk to yourself….and OK to answer yourself. But sad when you have to repeat what you said because you weren’t listening!!

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Italian Pasta Diet (Thanks to Richard for this one)

1. You walka pasta da bakery.

2. You walka pasta da candy store.

3. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4. You walka pasta da table and fridge.

Bada bing, bada boom! You lose weight!

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Cashier Experiance

I had the rudest, slowest, nastiest cashier today. I guess it’s my own fault for using the self-checker lane.

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Work Request

When a man says he’ll do anything for a woman, he means fight bad guys and kill dragons, not vacuum or wash dishes

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Annoying Wife

Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and hide his stuff where he can’t find it. Like I put his shoes in the shoe closer, his jacket on the hanger and his keys on the key hook!

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Race Horses

Several racehorses are in a stable. One on them starts boasting about his track record. “Of my last 15 races,” he says, “I’ve won eight.”

Another horse breaks in, “Well I’ve won 19 of my last 27!”

“That’s good, but I’ve taken 28 of 36, “says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, a greyhound who’s been sitting nearby listening says, “I don’t mean to boast, but of my last 90 races, I’ve won 88.”

The horses are clearly amazed. “WOW,” says one horse after a prolonged silence, “a talking dog!”

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