Weekend Funnies

Memory

The kids keep laughing about my memory. They won’t be laughing at Christmas when there’s no eggs under the tree!

πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

Winning and Losing

Every September there is a football match between the accounts department and the marketing department and every year the accounts department wins.

Far from being a good loser the marketing department were slightly miffed so put out a memo with its take on the season: β€œThe marketing department is pleased to announce that for the 2022 football season, we came in second place, having lost just one game all year. The accounts department, however, had a dismal season, winning only one game.”

πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

Accident

A truck carrying hundreds of dictionaries and thesauruses lost its load as it turned a corner sharply. The books scattered all over the road. Several bystanders were interviewed by reporters for the TV news

They said they were β€œstartled”, β€œshocked”, β€œstunned”, β€œfrightened”, β€œastonished”, β€œdumbfounded”, β€œstupefied”, β€œjolted”, and even β€œflabbergasted” by the accident.

πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

(

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby

“Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said.

“No,” said the minister. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”

“You’re both wrong,” the guru said. “The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.”

The repairman could no longer contain himself. “Hey, fellas,” he interrupted. “The best prayin’ I ever did was when I was hangin’ upside down from a telephone pole.”

πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

Biting Humour

A couple who’d been married for over 50 years was sitting on the sofa.

The wife said, “Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?” He moved over and sat close to her.

“Dear,” she continued, “do you remember how you used to hold me tight?” He reached over and held her tight.

“And,” she went on, “do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?”

With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room. “Where are you going?” she asked.

“Well,” answered the husband, “I have to go and get my teeth.”

πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

The Pharmacy 

The other day I went over to a nearby Pharmacy. When I got there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the Pharmacists’ Counter is located. I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.

The pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me.

I said, “Yes! Could you please taste this for me?’

Being I’m a senior citizen…I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me. He picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around.

Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began coughing.

When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, β€œNow, does that taste sweet to you?”

The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, β€œHECK NO!!!”

So I said, “Oh thank God! That’s a real relief! My doctor told me to get a pharmacist to test my urine for sugar!”

Well, I can never go back to that pharmacy, but I really don’t care though, because; they aren’t very friendly there anyway!!!

πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

Strangest Dream

“I had the strangest dream last night,” a man was telling his psychiatrist.

“I saw my mother, but when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face. You can imagine, I found this very disturbing, and in fact, I woke up immediately, and couldn’t get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come, and then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream.”

The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding: “A Coke? You call that a breakfast?”

πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

Whorehouse sues Local Church over Lightning Strike!

What an interesting turn of events in Pahrump, Nevada…

Diamond D’s brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding — with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church. Work on Diamond D’s progressed right up until the week before the grand re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground! After the brothel burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about “the power of prayer.”

But late last week ‘Big Jugs’ Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church … “was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business — either through direct or indirect divine actions or means.”

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and vociferously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building’s demise.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff’s complaint and the defendant’s reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, “I don’t know how the hell I’m going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it’s all bullshit…

πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Hurricane Fiona

Not looking forward to the coming storm, but we are as ready as we can be. However, I’m hoping the disgraceful beach project in the Savage Harbour is completely unprepared. Indeed I hope the whole thing gets so badly damaged the building plans will be scraped. Take care everyone keep your heads down, have your emergency supplies on hand. Let’s hope it will not be too severe and we will all survive.
God Bless and keep your heads down


Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

This was so unexpected, eh??

Here we go again, Oh! we only learned about this this afternoon and Minister MacKay says he will do all he can to stop it. What am I referring to, the IRAC proposed 2023 rent increase of 5 and 10% increases on properties heated and unheated. He only just learned about it did he indeed. The opposition proposed a hard cap be placed on any rent increase a long time ago. The King government promised to bring in the necessary legislation over a year ago. But like most things this government promises, it never happened. Now minister MacKay is dashing around like this just happened without any warning. However, he vows to do all he can to stop these increases. Wow! Such a concerned MLA. Where have we heard that before.
God Bless and keep praying for no increase

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Alberton Health Care???

On Saturday evening 18th September 2022, we drove through the Town of Alberton. I noticed a large new building in the process of being completed. It is apparently the newly proposed Medical Home. It would be no more than 5-10 minutes’ walk from the Western Hospital. Presently, the hospital emergency rooms are closed, not planning to reopen until November. The reason for the closure, staff shortages. That struck me as a serious issue. If the hospital is short staffed where will the government get staff for this new Medical Home? Seems to me the answer is obvious, when the medical home opens the hospital closes. I could be wrong of course! But I think it’s very possible the town will gain a medical home and lose a hospital. Only time will tell, nevertheless a sneaky way to close a hospital, if that is the outcome. I note in the Tuesday Guardian that Dr Garnham referred the hospital as more of a clinic. With remarks like that one might assume this is already a done deal? The area will go from 24/7 health care to 9/5 walk in Medical home!!!!!

 God Bless and keep reading

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Savage Harbour Intrusion

I cannot believe this huge deposit of tons of stones/rocks arrived unnoticed? They certainly did not find all those rocks here on Prince Edward Island. They would have been trucked in either on the ferry or bridge, and it would have required many truck loads.  More importantly, who allowed this to happen, who authorized this project. Someone in authority knew about this beforehand, so why was it approved and a permit issued. One has to think money changed hands, surely no one would have otherwise approved this destructive project to go ahead. I urge all citizens to protest to their MLAs and have this blight on our shoreline eradicated. Do not just shake your heads and ignore. We have some of the most beautiful beaches in Canada, indeed in the World. They deserve to be protected for future generations, not reserved for those with money. Be angry, shout out your rage, do not tolerate this underhanded and secretive project to proceed. Insist it be removed and the natural shoreline restored.

God Bless and keep reading.Β 

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Beach Destruction (Savage Harbour area)

This beach construction violates every rule on the books, whoever approved the initial construction, or should that be destruction, should be fired. It must be stopped immediately and the site returned to its original condition. Such violations and destruction of island beaches and shore line must not be allowed, they must be protected. Unfortunately, money talks and that appears to be the case here. Apparently, a billionaire from Ontario is behind this project, it’s not just a little summer cottage this will be huge. However, as you will see in the attached photo, how the whole beach has been blocked off. I urge everyone who reads this to contact their MLAs or better still contact the Premier and demand he protects the island shoreline.
God Bless and keep reading

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Weekend Funnies

Vacation

Linda and Marion were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.

“I started a new practice last year,” Linda said. “I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months.”

“Why in the world would you do that?” Marion asked.

“It’s the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without,” Linda said.

πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

Miles and Eggs

The teacher noticed that Al had been daydreaming for a long time. She decided to get his attention.

“Al,” she said, “If the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs are sixty cents a dozen, how old am I?

“Thirty-four,” Al answered unhesitatingly.

The teacher replied “Well, that’s not far from my actual age. Tell me…how did you guess?”

“Oh, there’s nothing to it,” Al said. “My big sister is seventeen and she’s only half-crazy.”

πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

Lucky Number 5

A 55-year-old man who was born on May 5, had been married 5 years, had 5 children, and made $55,555.55 a year. Of course, his lucky number was 5.

The man receives a phone call from a friend. The friend informs him that a horse named Lucky 5 will be running in the fifth race at the local track that evening.

Excitedly, the man withdraws $5,555.00 cash from his bank account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5.

Sure enough the horse comes in fifth.

πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

Country Wit 

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged.

After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen in front of him.

The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50.

The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.

The farmer turned to the husband and said, “You know, you’re the tenth car I’ve helped out of the mud today.”

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, “When do you have time to plow your land? At night?”

“No,” the young farmer replied seriously, “night is when I put the water in the hole.”

πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

Bible Study

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, β€œThe man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned into salt.”

His son asked, β€œWhat happened to the flea?”

πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

Some Quick Ones

–      Last week I was helping my partially deaf nan move home, and I kept on finding wads of money pushed down the backs of chairs and stuffed into rolled up socks. When I asked her why she’d done this she said that her financial adviser had told her that she should put her savings into socks and chairs

–      People have always named their children after expensive things, eg Mercedes, Dior, Chardonnay etc. Next year, watch out for Electric, Gas and Diesel.

–      My girlfriend asked me to put tomato sauce on the shopping list… now I can’t read anything

–      Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.

–      I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

–      I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, β€œAisle B, back.”

πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

Workers Shortage

Circuses are struggling to find new clowns as top prospects are continuing to go into politics

πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

Adult’s Age

One of my fourth graders asked my teacher’s assistant, “How old are you, Mrs. Glass?”

“You should never ask an adult’s age,” I broke in.

“That’s okay.” Harriett smiled. “I’m fifty.”

“Wow, you don’t look that old,” the boy said. I was breathing a sigh of relief when another child chimed in, “Parts of her do.”

πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

The Monarchy


It is early days yet, but I have to wonder if we will still be living under the Monarchy in the times ahead. There have already been rumblings with questions being raised. Several of the island nations have already gone or are talking about going in the near future. The mood of our citizens are both for and against Charles. Even in the UK the Monarchy is unsure of its future. When I hear remarks like they are just bunch of rich play boys, I immediately think of Andrew! Personally, it will make little difference to me, but if people think it will save money to break away. Well, they might have to think again, remove the King and what system will replace him? A president, provincial governors who very likely will cost as much or even more than the present system. Anyway don’t think we will have to worry too soon, many local issues to consume us, or rather our leaders to consume. I guess time will tell
God Bless and keep reading

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Brokerage fees??

Sent from my iPad

ο»ΏI wonder if other people feel as I do about these extra fees. It really doesn’t matter which company, they all do it. I ordered an exhaust clamp from England, just a small part, about the diameter of a tennis ball and 1/2 inch thick. It cost $39 which include the shipping. I will include a photo of the item. It’s not an expensive part until it gets into the hands of UPS etc. They add brokerage (whatever that is) charges to every item they seem to handle. In this case I was charges $21.91, that’s more than 50% of my total cost to purchase and ship. Even adding GST at 15% on the item they claim duty and handling. A couple of years ago I ordered a new carpet set for my Austin. The cost was around $350 which included shipping. I was charge $85 upon delivery. It’s a gun to the head, if you don’t pay up you don’t get the package. There is no duty on parts for antique car parts, but no use arguing that with the driver. Surely this an issue that needs to be investigated, but probably no one will. So we will just have to keep paying. Wherever possible I use the postal service, no brokerage fees with them???

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

King Government

While I’m always ready to criticize the Provincial Government I’m also prepared to give credit where credit is due. Recently I had an appointment at the Summerside diabetic clinic. This was to demonstrate and provide the Libre 2 blood sugar level checker to those who qualified. This is a small patch attached to back of the left arm. You just flash the monitor across the patch and get the blood level reading. No more pricking the finger, it is so much faster, easier and quite painless. However it is very expensive, not sure of actual costs but something like $200 every 28 days for the patches. Each patch lasts for fourteen days, and they come in packs of twos. The Provincial Government take care of the bulk of this fee based on income. As a retired senior on Canada pension, the patches cost me $10 each 28 days. So the government needs to be applauded for their involvement, being a diabetic is quite expensive and this is a great help. So thank you to Premier King and those involved in this generous scheme.
God Bless and keep reading.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment