Weekend Funnies

Meaty Question

Is an argument between two vegans still called a Beef?

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Simple Math Problem

A business man was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, “What is two and two?”

The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was “Twenty-two.”

The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.

The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commissioner of Stamp Duties, two and two was proven to be four.

The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, “How much is two and two?”

The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice….

“How much do you want it to be?”

He got the job.

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Sauce Trouble 

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.

I now have Heinzsight.

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Going for a Drink 

A fungus walks in a bar and the bartender says ‘we don’t serve fungus here’.

The fungus turns around and says ‘why not? I’m a Fungi…..!!’

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Circus 

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A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency.

Social workers there raise doubts about the living conditions in a circus, but the couple produces photos of their 50-foot luxury motor home, which is clean and well-maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers also raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple’s care. “We’ve arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills.”

Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. “Our nanny is a certified expert in paediatric care, welfare and diet.”

The social workers are finally satisfied and ask, “What age child are you hoping to adopt?”

“Well it doesn’t really matter – as long as the kid fits in the cannon.”

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Today’s Smarter Society 

If you think you are smarter than the previous generation….50 years ago the owner’s manual of a car showed you how to adjust the valves. Today it warns you not to drink the contents of the battery!!!

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Timely history lesson, in view of the season!

Back in the early 1400’s, chess became super popular in a European community. There was a certain group of people in particular who were especially enthusiastic about the game.

They met up to play chess with each other at every opportunity. Eventually, this obsession with playing chess caught the attention of the church leaders who noticed that this group of people were skipping church to play chess instead.

This was seen as blasphemous and they were ordered to stop immediately. Unfortunately, the draw of the game proved too strong for these chess aficionados and after continuing to defy the church, they were arrested and tried for heresy.

They were found guilty and sentenced to be burned at the stake.

This public execution, held in the town square, became the first recorded incident of chess nuts roasting on an open fire.

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Toilet Visit

I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever.

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Annoying the Mother-in-Law. 

Last week my Mother-in-Law began reading, ‘The Exorcist”. She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn’t finish it, took it over to the beach and threw it into the ocean off a fishing pier.

I went and bought another copy, held it under the shower and left it in the night table drawer by her bed where she keeps her reading material.

I’m going to Hell!

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Granny’s Visit

Little Tony was so happy to see his grandmother that he ran up and gave her a big hug.

“I’m so happy to see you, grandma. Now daddy will have to do that trick he’s been promising to do!”

His grandmother was curious. “What trick is that, sweetie?”

The little guy smiled at her, “I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again!”

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Hairdresser Second Job

Many people hold down two jobs, so I wasn’t surprised when my hairdresser mentioned to me that he also worked part-time at the race track. “That’s interesting,” I said. “What do you do?”

As he finished styling my hair, he replied, “I groom horses.”

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Adam Talking To His Sons 

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After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel.

As they passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden, one of the boys asked, “Father, what’s that?”

Adam replied, “Boys, that’s where your mother ate us out of house and home.”

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Could Have Done Better!

It is always the same, Peter Bevan Parker, states that the government could have done better. Then we get flurry of angry people defending King, and Medical staff, health care. How dare he criticize those wonderful hard working people. Well, I believe his claim that the government could have done better is valid. Look at the mess we are in now, a Minister of Health no where to be found. Hospitals are full with Covid cases, two to three deaths. We are in lock down across the Province, school, businesses, homes just about everything we can think of shut down. How could we have done better? We could have shut down the Island to Christmas visitors. Days before Christmas, we had people racing to get here before isolation requirements came into affect. King was behind this, not Doctor Morrison not health care, just him. He didn’t want to be seen as the Grinch, so instead of making the wise decision to close the island, he played politics. Now we are all paying for his poor judgement. Omicron didn’t just arrive here it was brought in by thousands of Christmas travellers. Those are my thoughts on this serious crisis, and it does not reflect of the many dedicate health workers, just the Premier.

Interesting story?

Tonight on Compass (19thJan 2022) there was a discussion with interviews, concerning the poor retention of immigrants. Those immigrants interviewed mostly claim it was difficult to find good jobs, some felt some services were lacking. What I found very questionable, no interviews were from immigrants who had already left the Province. I have to wonder if we have the lowest retention of any Canadian Province because of the PNP program. A program that is no longer mentioned by our MLAs and others in the know, who received funding from this very generous and secretive program. At the time it was in operation there were numerous questions raised, but rarely ever answered. The Canadian Border Service was involved with a Charlottetown motel being used as an address for many of these supposed immigrants. Strangely today the letters “PNP” is never talked about, but I’m quite certain they remain the real reason for the lack of retention. I believe this Province wasn’t intent on recruiting new immigrants, more about selling Canadian Citizenship? Now it is all but forgotten and swept under the government rug!
God Bless and keep reading.

The Potato Crisis

I’m confused, how did we arrived at the potato crisis we now find ourselves in. It would appear that the Potato Board knew about the infected potato wart fields.  The Provincial Agriculture Department knew about the potato wart fields and probably several other farm groups. We are told this virus can remain dormant in the fields for twenty to forty years. If I’m understanding this issue correctly, the infected fields were allowed to be re-planted after only five years? I have heard the use of the word “science” being batted around and wonder what science they are referring to. Who is right, is five years safe, or is twenty to forty years the required period. Or perhaps the risk is so serious these infected fields should never go back into production.  Perhaps Someone better qualified than I could explain why this crisis was allowed to happen.
God Bless and keep reading

Minister of Health Ernie Hudson!

I don’t know who else might have listened to Ernie Hudson tonight on Compass 17th January 2022. He was asked a pointed question of where he had been during this health crisis. However, I still don’t know where he had been since before the Christmas holidays. He didn’t answer that all important question. Instead he claimed he along with other government  ministers were working (behind the scenes) night and day to ease the health care issues! One would think if ole Ernie had been on the job 24/7 someone would have spotted him on the job somewhere? Asked if he had pre-planned for the serious shortages we are now experiencing. He claimed he was always in discussions with health officials to plan for such eventualities.  Hmm, is he going to explain the outcome of his apparent discussions, considering we now have chronic shortages in Senior Care Homes.  All in all, Ernie Hudson came across as being guilty and short on valid explanations. More or less the standard political no answer but well versed in it the skill of BS. I rest my case.
God Bless and keep reading

My Birthday Wishes

So many wonderful and thoughtful Birthday wishes this weekend. We had a real blizzard with high winds and snow. It put a damper on my birthday celebrations, no cake, no candles. Susannah and Grace were planning to visit and bring a cake. Alas it was not to be, nevertheless, I was visited by neighbours, we share coffee with a wee drop of Baileys added. All in all it was a quiet day watching soccer and thankful we did not lose power. But despite the weather I had a wonderful day reading the many many birthday wishes on FB. So lovely so kind and so many beautiful words sent my way, I was sometimes reduced to tears. Wishes came from Australia, New Zealand, England, Ireland, United States and Canada. Too many to count, at least one hundred or more. I decide to write this blog as a sincere thank you to those kind people who remembered me on 15th January 2022, my 83th birthday. You made my day very special, you made me proud to have so many great friends. Thank you and God Bless you.

Weekend Funnies

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she’d done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, “But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!” I’ll probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye.

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me happy birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “Did you start at 1?”

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, “Who was THAT?”

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.” The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo and I said, “No, how are we alike?” “You’re both real old,” he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather’s word processor. She told him she was writing a story. “What’s it about?” he asked. “I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read.”

7. I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and she was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, “Grandma, I think you should try figuring out some of this stuff for yourself!”

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “It’s no use, Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.” “Look in your underwear, Grandpa,” he advised. “Mine says I’m 4 to 6.”

10.. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.” The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting.” she said, warily. “How do you make babies?” “It’s easy,” replied the girl. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’.”

11. “Give me a sentence about a public servant,” instructed the teacher during a lesson. One small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.” The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked. “Sure,” said the young boy confidently. ‘It means carrying a child.”

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a dalmatian dog.

The children started discussing the dog’s duties. “They use him to keep crowds back,” offered one child. “No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.” A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrants.”

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. “Oh,” he said, “she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny. When they bend over, you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

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Silence is NOT golden!

I sent out the below blog on 10^th January 2022, it was copied to the Premier, Peter Bevan Baker, Lynne Lund and the Mayor of Summerside. Guess what? not a single response from anyone. That makes me think I have struck a nerve, The very least I could have expected was someone offering an excuse. Creating many jobs for Summerside or some other such BS. But nothing would indicate they really do have something to hide and the quieter they are the better. After all, if they say nothing the public will once again forget. It’s just so offensive to see a collection of local politicians in a photo op holding shovels, picks etc. Tools they have absolutely no intention of using. I note Ernie Hudson is in the photo, that’s the last time anyone has seen him since 2021????? 

The One Dollar Deal

Posted on January 10, 2022 by irishroverpei

We are now well into 2022 and still no one seems to see anything wrong with the Tim Banks deal! When after sitting on this property for more than a decade he suddenly sells it to the Province for one dollar???? The Minister of Health (hasn’t been seen recently) was crowing over this wonderful purchase. He claims he intends building the all-new Medical Home at a cost of $25 million on this site. However, that can only happen after the old building is torn down. The school is full of asbestos and will cost 2.5 million to demolish. After the Health Ministers announcement, Banks declared, he is going to build a large apartment complex with some affordable units on the cleared land? A couple of important question to be asked, why didn’t Banks demolish the building himself? He could surely have built more than one apartment complex with the extra acreage. Why could the Province not have found a suitable property elsewhere in Summerside at a lower cost than 2.5 million? Was it perhaps the cost of the demolition and asbestos removal that motivated Banks to sell for one dollar to the Province?  Was it the fact the Summerside council were involved in this deal by agreeing to add an access road to these proposed new apartments. A lot of unanswered questions, but no elected official seems prepared to ask them. Why is this allowed to happening, if I can see this purchase as questionable why can’t our MLAs. Finally, I would like to mention a little about this new buzz word “affordable Units” no one seem sure what is considered affordable. If fact Tim Banks has recently run into an issue with the Charlottetown City Council over this.  Apparently, his take on affordable units defers from that of the Charlottetown City council. This has either put a stop to or delayed the plans to build at the rear of Polyclinic site.  Something is really beginning to smell bad in Summerside. As a concerned citizen and tax payer I feel obliged to question these recent purchases.God Bless and keep readingAuthor of LILY & ME , and THE ROYAL NAVY & ME
Visit blog and website http://www.irishroversbooks.com

The Belfast Blitz

I should explain the lack of city air raid shelters and defense was not due a lack of preparation. It was because when the war began Belfast was beyond the range of Germany bombers

Tuesday, April 15, 1941, was Easter.  People were enjoying a day off work. The holiday began with beautiful sunshine and unusually warm temperatures for that time of year.  Some people left the city on day trips to the country. Those unable to afford a trip, sat outside their front doors, enjoying the sunshine or watching men go by on their way to an afternoon football match at Windsor Park. The roads and streets had been cleared of the damage caused the previous week, and trams and buses were once again running on time.  For the citizens of Belfast, life had returned to normal.  Or so they thought.

 That afternoon it’s unlikely anyone noticed the lone German reconnaissance plane flying high overhead, a harbinger of things to come in the relaxed city below enjoying the holiday.  Just hours away in occupied Europe, the winds of war were turning in our direction as more than two hundred planes prepared for takeoff on runways in France and the lowlands of Holland. Pilots anxiously awaited the signal to go, their target that fateful night, Belfast.

The advancing bombers were made up of Heinkel 111s, Junkers 88s and Dorniers.  The Junkers alone could carry in excess of a 3,000-pound bomb load. City sirens began wailing shortly after ten thirty that evening.  Having experienced the danger of bombing a week earlier, people now took the sirens seriously and scrambled to find shelter.  The bombers approached the city from the north, sweeping in low between the Divis and Black Mountains.  The first wave dropped flares across the city, lighting up the intended targets.  They were relentlessly followed by wave after wave of bombers. The air was suddenly filled with incendiaries, high explosives and mines.  The shipyards put up a huge smokescreen, attempting to disguise their location. A Royal Naval cruiser, repairing in the yard, joined the defence of the city, her guns blazing into the night.  All night and into the early dawn the bombs rained down. The Germans methodically razed factories, mills, and homes.  Telephone communications were knocked out and gas supplies were cut off as fires erupted.  Leaking gas mains sent towering flames shooting high into the sky. The local fire brigades were soon overwhelmed, with water pressure too weak to stem the blazing inferno. Desperate calls for help went out across the Province. 

Thirteen brigades from Dublin, Dun Laoghaire, Dundalk and Drogeda raced north to answer the call.  The brave men from the south were unprepared for the destruction confronting them.  They worked tirelessly and with grim determination, but lacking the necessary wartime equipment, they were finally withdrawn. There was also the risk of a fatality, which could cause serious difficulties for the neutral Government of Eire.

This night of bombing wasn’t restricted solely to Belfast.  The towns of Londonderry, Newtownards and Bangor were also hit, but none as badly as Belfast.

Northumberland Street was just one of many without air raid shelters. People had to find their own means of protection.   Pop and my two brothers sheltered under our heavy wooden kitchen table. Following civil defence instruction pamphlets, they hung blankets around the table to protect against flying glass and debris.  My three sisters and I huddled in the cramped coalhole under the stairs.

During a lull, Pop muttered something about Percy Street having a shelter, and why didn’t we have one.  That dreadful night seemed to be unending, explosion after explosion crashing around us, sometimes far away, sometimes right outside our door.  Each explosion was followed by a tremendous shock wave blasting heat and debris in its path.  We heard breaking glass, and the rumble of walls collapsing while houses trembled and shook.  The air was choked with smoke and dust from fires roaring everywhere. The night was filled with a thousand noises we couldn’t identify, buildings slowly caving in, bricks and beams tumbling into the streets.

My terrified sisters were sure we would not survive the night.  I suffered the least. I was afraid of course, but too young to really understand the danger. Bombs fell on the hapless city all night long. When the last bomber disappeared and the all clear sounded, it was after 5 am. The city had been under attack for more than six hours. Very good description, you really feel it happening.

As the first grey streaks of dawn broke over the city, people began crawling from shelters and homes to a scene of devastation.  Some families, anxiously struggling but unable to open warped doors, climbed through broken windows to reached the street. Everyone was caked in filth, dust and debris, some wearing pyjamas or nightshirts, blankets draped over their shoulders. They stood exhausted and trembling, children crying at their sides.

Bewildered, they gazed in disbelief at the sight confronting them. Whole areas where once had stood familiar houses and buildings were now gone.  All that remained were piles of smoking wreckage. Everywhere buildings blazed, a pall of smoke hung over the city blackening out the sky. It was difficult to breathe the smoke and dust-laden air.  People tied cloths or rags over their noses in an attempt to avoid the smoke.  The streets were littered with bricks, bits of concrete, and shards of glass and wood splinters. We took stock of our house, or what was left of it.  The front door still opened and closed, but no windows had survived.  Remnants of torn curtains fluttered in the breeze; dishes, picture frames and ornaments lay smashed on the floor.

Incredibly, our clock, which had been on the mantelpiece, still kept time, ticking in a pile of rubble. Ceiling’s plaster had fallen in on the kitchen, coating everything in a film of white powdery dust.  In the bedrooms, daylight flooded through the rafters where few slates remained. We were unable to brew a pot of tea; there was neither gas nor water.  As people assessed their damage, news began to filter through from other parts of the city. A passing air raid warden told of a direct hit on the Percy Street shelter, where some 60 souls had died instantly. Pop, concerned about Aunt Cassie and family, decided to go check on them. My eldest brother Tommy volunteered to go with him. 

As they passed through Dover Street, they came upon Bob Adair’s house. It was wide open, and apparently deserted. Bob was a friend of the family, so they ventured inside looking for some sign of life.  On the kitchen table stood a wire container with six eggs. It seemed careless to have left them there they were so scarce.  Finding no one home, they continued on to Cassie’s house where they learned that everyone had survived the night okay.

On their return journey about 20 minutes later, they passed where Bob Adair’s house should have been. There was nothing left but a pile of rubble. Strangely, in the middle of the wreckage stood the kitchen table, the six eggs still in their container. Pop later learned that a delayed fuse bomb had lodged in the chimney.  Air raid wardens had hastily evacuated the house, but neglected to post a warning sign.  We have no idea how long after Pop and Tommy left the house the detonation occurred; however, it was surely a very close thing.  Stories such as this, all similar, all telling the same fateful tales, continued to pour in.

*****

Belfast was given little time to recover as more nightly raids continued through the month of April and into the first days of May.

Over 900 people were killed, thousands more injured. The city was a catastrophe; it would take weeks and months to reach a semblance of order. Streets and roads were blocked, businesses closed, and services almost non-existent.  No trams were running, water and gas supplies were cut off.  The few shops that survived attempted to serve a starving population. Hospitals still able to function worked with wonderful efficiency, treating thousands of injuries under the most trying conditions. Mortuaries overflowed with the dead.  Corpses were stacked in the Falls Road public baths and at St George’s Market, near Cromac Square.  Public funerals had to be held, burying up to 150 bodies at a time. The supply of coffins quickly ran out.

Never Again.  God Bless and keep reading.

The Belfast Blitz

With the second year of war the blitz intensified.  London was suffering the heaviest and most frequent raids.  Many other major cities were being hit hard too, and millions of people found themselves homeless.  Hundreds of children were orphaned, thousands more evacuated to the country or overseas.  We didn’t know it then, but our turn was coming. The failure to sufficiently protect the city was about to be realised.  Belfast still lacked sufficient anti-aircraft defence, fighter cover, searchlights or shelters.  When the sirens first sounded on the night of April 7, 1941, people tended to ignore the danger.  Some actually climbed the surrounding hills to watch the display.  The first bombs began falling on Belfast just after midnight. The raid consisted of six Heinkel 111 bombers, each carrying a payload of over one thousand kilos.  They dropped waves of incendiaries, high explosives, and parachute bombs.  Major fires were started in residential areas of East Belfast. Factories and businesses around the city suffered moderate damage. The shipyards were hit hardest, causing severe damage. 

When the all clear sounded at approximately 3:30 am, 13 people were dead, 23 were seriously injured, and many others suffered a variety of minor injuries.  

Belfast had been lucky, getting off lightly on that first night of bombing. But from this first raid it seems certain the German pilots reported how vulnerable the city was, and no one imagined what lay in store just one week later. Read the continuing story of the Belfast Blitz in tomorrow’s blog