Best Man
A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game.
The young couple found seats in the crowded stadium and was watching the action. A substitute was put into the game, and as he was running onto the field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend, “Take a good look at the fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year.”
His girlfriend snuggled closer and said to the surprised young man, “That’s the strangest way I ever heard of for a fellow to propose to a girl. Regardless of how you said it, I accept!”
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Just a few Quips
1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
3. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
4. If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”
5. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
6. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days – but whatever.
7. I run like the winded.
8. Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.
9. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
10. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
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Health Warning
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
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Some quick ones
‘Car and Driver’ wrote that 95%of electric cars are still on the road. The remaining 5% made it all the way home.
You know me, if I ever win the lottery, rest assured nobody around me will be poor, and I mean that. I will move to a rich neighbour.
I need everyone to wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank later and if all goes well, I will be out of debt. I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask.
I told him I wanted to walk down the aisle. He sent me grocery shopping.
In general, I don’t believe in child labour. But sometimes they’re the only ones who can figure out what’s wrong with my computer.
She: “Do men still open car doors’. He: “How do you think we get inside.”
The Institute of unfinished Research has concluded that 6 out of 10 people
This is Sister Maria. She is renowned for her intelligence. They call her ‘Nun the Wiser.’
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ER Meeting
During my surgical residency I was called out of a sound sleep to the emergency room. Unshaven and with tousled hair, I showed up with an equally unpresentable medical student. In the ER we encountered the on-call medical resident and his student, both neatly attired in clean white lab coats.
The resident said to his student, “You can always tell the surgeons by their absolute disregard for appearance.”
Two evenings later, I was at a banquet when called to the ER to suture a minor laceration.
I was stitching away — wearing a tuxedo — when I encountered that same medical resident. He looked at me, then said to his student, “Sure is sensitive to criticism, isn’t he?”
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A few more quips
I burn about 2000 calories every time I put on fitted sheets by myself.
One thing no one ever talks about when it comes to being an adult, is how much time we debate keeping a cardboard box because it’s, you know…a really good box.
Billion dollar idea: A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell, “I’m just cooking!”
Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.
My kids laugh because they think I’m crazy. I laugh because they don’t know it’s hereditary,
I don’t want to be adult anymore. I don’t even want to be human. I want to be a goat, Just eat all day and head butt anyone who annoys me.
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The Children of Israel
At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Mr. Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day’s lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.
“Mr. Goldblatt,” announced little Joey, “there’s somethin’ I can’t figger out.”
“What’s that Joey?” asked Goldblatt.
“Well accordin’ to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?”
“Right.”
“An’ the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?”
“Er–right.”
“An’ the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?”
“Again you’re right.”
“An’ the Children of Israel fought the ‘gyptians, an’ the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an’ the Children of Israel wuz always doin’ somethin’ important, right?”
“All that is right, too,” agreed Goldblatt, “So, what’s your question?”
“What I wanna know is this,” demanded Joey, “What wuz all the grown-ups doin'”?
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Author of LILY & ME , and THE ROYAL NAVY & ME
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