New Golf Clubs
A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint.
He pulls out a wedge and smashed it over the back of the robber’s head, knocking him unconscious.
“You probably saved my life,” says the grateful Arab. ‘I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family and I have the power and money to give you anything you desire as a reward.”
The golfer glances at his golf bag. “Some new golf clubs would be nice,” he says.
Two weeks later, the Sheikh’s secretary calls him up. “We’ve got your golf clubs,” she says, “but the Sheikh would like to apologise to you in advance: only three of them have swimming pools.”
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Car Accident
A man gets into a car accident and goes to the doctor. When he gets home his wife asks him, “What did the doctor say?”
He responds, “The doctor says I got a flukie.”
Not knowing what a flukie is she goes and asks her neighbour what she should do to treat it. Her neighbour tells her, “I don’t remember exactly what that is, but I think that you have to do a hot compress on it.”
Not liking that answer she asks her other neighbour if she knows what a flukie is.
That neighbour responds, “Oh, I remember it’s serious but I can’t remember what exactly that is. But you have to keep it cold.”
Now she is totally confused and decides to call the doctor.
“Doctor, my husband came and saw you today after his accident, can you tell me what his prognosis was?” she asks.
The doctor responds, “I told him he got off lucky.”
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New Credit Card
My new credit card arrived in the mail with a large sticker on it, giving the phone number to activate the card. I called the number and got one option: “Press One to activate the credit card.” That led me to a live person, who answered with her first name and the title, “Credit Card Activator.”
As I got ready to give her the necessary information, she interrupted me, asking, “How can I help you?”
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How many Genders?
Why is it that when archaeologists find human remains, they always determine that they are either male or female and none of the other dozen genders?
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Physics Student
A physics student was hit by a brick falling from a house. He fainted but came to after a while and started smiling. The onlookers were worried, so they asked him why he was smiling.
The student replied, “I just realized how lucky I am because the kinetic energy is only half M V squared.”
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At the hospital
When old Maud was asked how she lost her husband Norman, she told this sad story:
“Well, he needed a blood transfusion, but his blood type was not on record, so the doctors asked me if I knew what it was, as they urgently needed to know, in order to save my Norman’s life.
Tragically, I’ve never known his blood type, so I only had time to sit and say goodbye.
I’ll never forget how supportive my Norman was. Even as he was fading away, he kept on whispering to me, “Be positive, be positive!”
That was my Norman! Always thinking of others.”
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Dead Crows
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird’s beaks and claws.
By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout “Cah!,” not a single one could shout “Truck!”
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Just Pretend It’s A Feature
This telecommunication repair technician is called in to deal with a phone problem for a customer: “The mute button keeps flashing on extension 37.”
And it wasn’t the first time the issue had been raised. “I was the fourth repair technician to be faced with it,” says the tech. “I already knew there was no way to fix this problem, since there would be no fix by the manufacturer.”
So he goes over to the desk of the user at extension 37, introduces himself, surveys the situation and says, “Oh, you have the system monitor phone.”
“What’s that?” customer asks.
“If that light ever stops flashing, it means there’s something wrong with the CPU,” the tech explains with a straight face. “In that case, please call us and open a ticket for replacement of the CPU.”
And that’s it. “The phone user seemed honored to be trusted with such a responsibility,” says tech. “We never got another call back on that matter.”
“And yes, that service call was no charge.”
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Author of LILY & ME , and THE ROYAL NAVY & ME
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