I was at the Woolworths earlier with my service dog. The lady in front of me at checkout had about $200 worth of toilet paper in her shopping trolley.
With an attitude she asked me, “What type of dog do I own.” I told her “It was my service dog.” Then she got really snarky and said, “I knew that. What type of service?”
I said “He was a BLD.” By now he was licking her face and hands being super friendly.
She said, “What is a BLD?” I told her “it stood for Butt Licking Dog.”
She said “Butt Licking Dog?”
I said “Yeah, he has been trained to lick my butt clean because I can’t seem to be able to find any toilet paper at Coles or Woollies because of hoarders.”
The cashier completely lost it. I swiped my everyday rewards card paid for my purchases and off I went.
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Some quick ones
– Ghosts like to ride in elevators because it lifts their spirits.
– I pulled a muscle digging for gold, just a miner injury.
– I’m going to start collecting highlighters, mark my words.
– Be careful when you eat at Sam & Ella’s café.
– Lego store re-opens after lockdown, folks lined up for blocks.
– Nothing tops a plain pizza.
– Water is heavier then butane because butane is a lighter fluid.
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Scottish Love Story
An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite pan-fried drop scones wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom with even greater effort. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon
She said………..”..Nick off’ “they’re for the funeral.”
What a beautiful love story!!
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When Insults Had Class….
These glorious insults are from an era “before” the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words. Enjoy.
“He had delusions of adequacy.”
Walter Kerr
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
Winston Churchill
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
Clarence Darrow
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”
Moses Hadas
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
Mark Twain
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
Oscar Wilde
“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.”
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.”
Winston Churchill, in response
“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”
Stephen Bishop
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
John Bright
“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”
Irvin S. Cobb
“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”
Charles, Count Talleyrand
“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”
Forrest Tucker
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
Mae West
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
Oscar Wilde
“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination. “
Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”
Billy Wilder
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I’m afraid this wasn’t it.”
Groucho Marx
And one of my favourites… “He had a great face for radio.”
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Which Gender?
I too was one a male trapped in a female body.
But then my mother gave birth!!!
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Three Mothers
Three mothers are sitting on a park bench talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them.
Sadie says, “You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother.”
Minnie says,”You call that love? You know the Eldorado Cadillac I got for Mother’s Day? That’s from my son Bernie. What a doll.”
Shirley says, “That’s nothing. You know my son Stanley? He sees a psychoanalyst on Park Ave. Five sessions a week. And what does he talk about? Me.”
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Daffynitions
1. SUDAFED
Brought litigation against a government official
2. BERNADETTE
The act of torching a mortgage.
3. BURGLARIZE
What a crook sees through
4. AVOIDABLE
What a bullfighter tries to do
5. EYEDROPPER
Clumsy ophthalmologist
6. CONTROL
A short, ugly inmate.
7. COUNTERFEITER
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
8. ECLIPSE
What an English barber does for a living.
9. LEFT BANK
What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.
10. HEROES
What a man in a boat does
11. PARASITES
What you see from the Eiffel Tower
12. PARADOX
Two physicians
13. PHARMACIST
A helper on a farm
14. POLARIZE
What penguins see through
15. PARADIGMS
Twenty Cents
16. RELIEF
What trees do in the spring
17. RUBBERNECK
What you do to relax your wife
18. SELFISH
What the owner of a seafood store does
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