A Little Weekend Humour

Its Got To Be Love

An older couple regularly attended church. The pastor was much impressed by how harmonious and how in love they seemed. They always held hands all through the service.

One day after church, the pastor couldn’t resist going up to them to express his admiration. He said, “I find it so inspirational to see how deeply in love you are, even, after all these years, holding hands like that.”

The wife looked up sharply and said, “It’s not love, Pastor, I’m just keeping him from cracking his knuckles.”

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Acts 2:38

There was a lady who lived by herself. One day she came home and found her house was been robbed and the robber was still there!

Well, this lady was very well versed in the Bible and so she shouted at the robber, “Acts 2:38!” That’s the Bible verse that says “…repent and be baptized for the forgiveness of your sins…”

Well, the robber stopped dead in his tracks. He sat calmly and waited while the lady called the police.

The police arrived and proceeded to arrest the robber. The policeman noted that the robber was somewhat of a burly guy and the lady was a small, petite thing.

Well, this intrigued the policeman so much that he finally asked the robber, “Why didn’t you just run or something? She is so much smaller than you. All she did was yell a Bible verse at you.”

The robber looked up at the policeman with a look of shock. “A Bible verse? What?” The policeman says, “Yeah, a Bible verse.”

The robber just can’t believe this and tells the policeman, “I thought she said she had an axe and two 38’s!”

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Advice Needed

Guys I need your help.

I’m in the middle of an argument with my wife and she just told me that I’m right.

What the hell do I do next???!!!

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New Teacher

It was the first day at school. The students were all in their seats, waiting for the new teacher to start.

The teacher stands up, and says, “Whoever in here thinks they are stupid, please stand up.”

The students all looked at each other, and finally, one boy stood up.

“Do you think you’re stupid?” asked the teacher.

“No, said the little boy, “but I didn’t want you standing there alone.”
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My Favourite Animal (Thanks to Yuri for this one)

Our teacher asked what my favourite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.”

She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favourite animal.

I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office.

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favourite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal’s office.

He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous military person I admired most.

I told her, “Colonel Sanders.”

Guess where I am now…

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College Cost

A banker was arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter’s education.

As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he asked the banker, “I have just one question for you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money?”

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The Phone Call

A housewife with three young children was getting dinner ready when the phone rang. The six-year-old picked it up and said, “Hi, Daddy!” and she began telling him about her day.

She then passed the phone to her brother and sister as was the custom whenever Daddy called from work.

When it was finally the wife’s turn to talk she took the receiver and said, “Hi, honey.”

“Thank goodness, lady,” the voice on the other end replied. “I just called to tell you that the wallpaper you ordered is here!”

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Full or empty (Thanks to Eileen for this one)

“People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable.”

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Who runs this Country?

Do we have a strong decisive government making decision in the best interest of Canadians? It certainly doesn’t sound as if we have such a government. The issue over the LNG gas pipeline (fracking) has all but shut our nation down. The big question is this, who is to blame. It seems the majority of Canadians are blaming the indigenous people? Maybe we need to rethink that, are they causing hardship or protecting their lands? How many people have bothered to find out who really wants this pipeline? We can start with Shell Oil Corp, then look at who is backing the oil company. How about the following interests, China, Malaysia, Korea ,Japan.  Makes me angry to think our politicians want our Police forces to remove the barricades to allow this foreign pipeline to proceed. Are our politicians working in our interests or foreign interests? The latter seems to be the truth. What is wrong with these people we have elected to govern? They claim they are negotiating with indigenous peoples to resolve the issue! All that has to be done, and indeed needs to be done is shut the pipeline down. Do that and the problem is gone, rail lines open and goods flow again. Why are they catering to China? They have two Canadians in jail on trumped up charges. They have continually created difficulties for our exports and caused serious problems to our farmers. They are a bully nation and sadly our government is the wimpy little victims. Come on Canada stand up and be counted. At present we pull our hair and despair, Oh Canada.  Oh Canada our home and pipelines free, we stand on guard for them. God Bless and keep reading

Being Ignored Again?

The hopeful candidates of the PCs in the last provincial election were full of promises. The Premier himself was the most vocal that his government would do things differently. Words like transparency and honesty were heard echoing across the land! Islanders choose to believe him, not all islanders, but enough to form a minority. Once they were elected what did we get? transparency? I think not, honesty? Not that I have noticed. I wrote several letters to the premier, minister of agriculture, minister of environment and minister of transportation. Not a response from any of them. I wrote to leader of the opposition and again received no response? The only MLA who actually took the time to reply was Sonny Gallant of the third party. In the scheme of things my letters may not have been of a major concern. However, others have requested documents and information of much greater importance, but they too have been ignored. The King government seems intent on continuing the shady cover ups of Ghiz and MacLauchlan. What do we have to do to elect a truly honest and open politician? For the last several decades we have suffered one corrupt gang after another. We tried to change the electoral system to a proportional one. MacLauchlan’s liberal government made sure that never happened. Today we appear to be controlled by another closed door style of provincial parliament. We have all but lost control of the land water and air to a greedy Irving Corporation. Sadly the latest crop of politicians are beholding to the French Fry king of PEI and I do not mean Premier King. I don’t know where we go from here, I’m dismayed, disappointed and despondent and any other word that sounds appropriate! God Bless and keep reading.

Blood Relatives and Medals

Further to my blog posted on the 14th February 2020, regarding who may wear medals on their right breast. While I received many positive replies I also receive an equal number against. Unfortunately I received a few very nasty remarks from at least one individual. However, while individuals can yell and swear and violently disagree, it isn’t going to deter my purpose. I’m not threatening anyone and I’m not demanding that everyone agree with me. This is my project and if you find it offensive then so be it. But I have the same rights as the next person to pursue this amendment of the law. The objections ranged from stolen valour to shadow boxes. One person claimed they were his medals and he’d do what he f##king liked with them. I don’t think I was telling him or anyone else what they should do with their medals. Stolen valour has been around since the 1st WW perhaps even beyond. It is not a new phenomenal. It occurs in many places besides Canada, and will no doubt continue long after I’m gone. It has no bearing on whether a blood relative wears a late love ones medal. Britain has permitted the wearing of these medals since the 1920s and at the same time have had many incidents of stolen valour. In the case of carrying a framed medal display to a ceremony, not a problem for those to wish to do this. My view is this, carrying a framed case would be cumbersome and if it happened to be dropped broken glass. I have not personally seen anyone carrying one of these shadow boxes, and I have attended a great many services. That’s not to say there were none being carried, but it seems they are rare. I have previously mentioned we are losing history because of section 419 of the criminal code.  How many people can identify the three medals the young girl is wearing on her right breast? She is standing with her grandfather a WW2 veteran, and is wearing his fathers WW1 medals. The girls great grandfather. How often do we see these First World War medals at Remembrance day parades now?. How many can claim to have seen such medals recently. It seems an almost forgotten War! What nickname did the troops give to these three medals?

 

Pip, Squeak and Wilfred are the nicknames given to three WWI campaign medals: the 1914-15 Star; the British War Medal and the Victory Medal. This set of 3 medals or a pair (BWM and Victory) are the most likely medals to be found among family heirlooms. The medals were automatically sent out; soldiers did not need to apply. When the recipient had been killed the medals were sent to the next-of-kin.
The medals’ nicknames come from a popular comic strip of the time from the Daily Mirror newspaper. Pip was a dog, Squeak a penguin and Wilfred was a baby rabbit.

Approximately 6.0oo.000 were issued, mostly received by mail and sadly great many posthumously.

So folks,  if I didn’t convince you of my cause, at least I have added a little lost history for you to think about!!!

God Bless and keep reading.

 

First Nations?

First Nations is a questionable term! Who was the First Nation anywhere first? I certainly don’t know the answer and I doubt anyone else does either. Nevertheless the first people to settle on land and make it home must surely have rights to that land. The white settlers swept aside the indigenous peoples from lands they had lived on for thousands of years. It was called colonization. The indigenous people were considered savages, uneducated, unchristian and clearly unworthy of their land. Growing up in Belfast in 1950 ( and elsewhere)boys were conditioned by cowboy movies. I didn’t understand it was propaganda, not much different to the Hitler Youth. We cheered when the cavalry rode over the hill to save the good guys from the nasty savages.  We played games of cowboys and Indians, cowboys always won. We tried to look like cowboys, wore a toy six shooter and hat etc. At no time were the Indians portrayed as good people, a few of course helped the white man. The majority were resentful and did not trust what they were promised. Generally they were regarded as a nuisance, settlers believed themselves the rightful owners of the land. Indian act after Indian act merely shifted the tribes off the prime land to reservations. People were conditioned to believe the Indians were ungrateful savages that could not be trusted. So here we are today, our First Nations are flexing their muscles and demanding their laws be respected. Most of these laws were put in place by their colonial masters many decades ago. Indigenous peoples have a wonderful history of caring for nature. Of protecting the land, water and air, of taking only what they need. The Canadian land was abundant with wildlife, fresh clean water, lush green plains. Everything that was needed for human survival. However, not enough for the greed of the white man. Which brings us to this time, the white man still takes everything he can squeeze from the land. We don’t call him a white man, now he is known as a major corporation, and we have many greedy corporation . Our governments are in the pockets of these corporations and do their masters biding. Is it any wonder people are rising up in protest, demanding changes, demanding rights be recognized. Alas, the cavalry has been replaced by the RCMP and other police authorities. Heavily armed government authorized enforcers are there to intimidate and scare citizens. One could ask how much have we learned from our history. Not much from what I see happening now. Seems we are being ruled by force of arms. What is the answer? How do we change this intolerable situation? Perhaps, we could start by electing people to government as independents with no old party ties. People like you and, people that care about this wonderful land. People who are not afraid to make changes. Alas it’s probably just a pipe dream, but still a dream! God Bless and keep reading.

A Little Weekend Humour

Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?

A. It was the pot calling he cattle back

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A Frickin’ elephant

Jake is five and learning to read. He points at a picture in a zoo book and say, (Look Mummy! It’s a frickin’ elephant!”

Deep breath….”What did you call it?”

“It’s a frickin’ elephant, Mummy! It says so in the picture!”

And so it does….African Elephant – Hooked on phonics!

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Shopping at Coles

Apparently if you buy a cabbage from Coles Supermarket you are legally obligated to also buy carrots and mayonnaise.

It’s Coles Law

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Pastor Ouch

A retiring pastor was saying farewell to his congregation at the church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said, “Your successor won’t be as good as you.”

“Nonsense,” said the pastor, in a flattered tone.

“No, really,” said the old lady, “I’ve been here under five different ministers, and each one has been worse than the last.”

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Therapy

A couple, both age 78, went to visit a sex therapist. When they arrived the surprised doctor asked, “What can I do for you folks?”

The man said, “Will you watch us having sex?”

The doctor was confused, but politely agreed to the couple’s request.

After they had finished making love the doctor commented, “I don’t see anything wrong with the way you have sex,” and charged them $50 consultation fee.

The couple returned week after week. Each visit they would ask the doctor to watch them have sex, pay him $50, and leave.

After a few months, the doctor finally commented, “You’ve been visiting me for months now and I see nothing wrong. You both seem passionate, happy, and capable. What exactly are you trying to find out?”

“Nothing,” the man replied. “She’s married so we can’t go to her house. I’m married so we can’t go to my house either. The Holiday Inn charges $100 a night. The Hilton charges $125. If we come here it only costs $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare!”

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The Jew was a Cook

A Jewish cook went to the Vatican and insisted on seeing the Pope.

After a long wait, the Pope granted him an audience and asked the cook what he could do for him.

The Jew said that he was a cook, before him his father was a cook, his grandfather was a cook, his great grandfather was a cook, and that he comes from a family of cooks that goes back over 2000 years….

The Pope congratulated him and asked him again: “What can I do for you?”

The Jew said: “There’s an outstanding bill for the last supper.”

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Cooking Skills

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked the dinner, so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

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Sports Pun

Q: Why is Cinderella such a bad baseball player?

A: Because she has a pumpkin for a coach, and she ran away from the ball.

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Wedding RSVP

So apparently RSVP’ing back to a wedding invite ‘maybe next time’ isn’t the correct response!

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Appearance.

Most females don’t answer video calls after 9pm because their face has been restored to factory settings!

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Shut Shop Sign

I had to close early today.

You miss out on my coffee.

I get a root canal.

There is no winner here!

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Legion Town Hall!

The president of Dominion Command will hold a town hall question and answer session in April 2020. I have already posed the question of doing away with right breast legion medals. It will be interesting to see how that is managed. However, the real question I intend to ask is this. The wearing of loved ones medals on the right breast by blood relatives. To date I have received abusive remarks, stonewalling and a host of extremely flimsy excuses. The legion favourite is this “if you didn’t earn it you can’t wear it”. I lived through the blitz, my father fought in the 1st World War and my brother in the Second World War. I served during the Cold War. To have my grandson/granddaughter wear my medals when I’m gone would be something special. They would be remembering me on the one special day of remembrance each year. I fail to see why the legion so strongly oppose this simple act of remembrance. If some veterans disagree, that is fine, they can hid their medals in a shoe box or a drawer. They can display them in a shadow box, some may even sell them on eBay. If a young boy or girl is allowed to wear their grandfathers medals it becomes educational. In many case the youth will want to know what the medals represent, that is learning history, be just family history. Please explain why this is considered a crime, why the legion support it so strenuously. My arguments are sound and sensible, difficult to oppose surely. Every veteran should be aware we are the only country in the Commonwealth where a blood relative can be arrested and put in jail for wearing a late loved ones medals! I have heard the response “aww the cops wouldn’t arrest a wee boy or girl” and yes that is probably true. So why is it so wrong to ask for an amendment to section 419 of the criminal code allowing blood relatives to wear these medals on Remembrance Day?? I ask all veterans reading this to please support me by demanding the amendment.
I would also ask if you would share this far and wide. Thank you one and all for your support —————- You may wonder why I posted two photos of associate members. It is worth noting these are the guys opposed to changing the law. They both civvies neither have served a day in uniform, yet they are adorned in (not real medals) their many legion medals. On Remembrance Day what would the average citizen think when seeing these two associates parading and saluting wearing a chest full of legion medals??? Hero’s/veterans ??? What do you think?

Royal Canadian Legion wreaths

The wreaths we buy from the legion for Remembrance ceremonies, are not environmentally friendly. The great majority that I have come across are made up of styrofoam and plastic. When the services are over many blow away, others are buried in snow and the rest languish at the foot of the cenotaph. There was an article on the radio this morning from a local church group that would like to reuse these wreaths after November 11th. This reminded me of an incident at sea. A friend of mine lost his brother during the war when his submarine was lost with all hands. Just recently he was on a cruise that passed over the area where the submarine sank. My friend ordered a wreath from his local branch to throw overboard at the spot of the sinking. Seemed like a good and thoughtful thing to do. However, when the ship stopped for the brief ceremony the Captain would not allow the wreath to be thrown into the sea. My friend was understandably upset with the Captain until it was explained to him the reason. The legion wreath was considered pollution and to allow it would have been criminal under maritime law. I can understand the local legion branch may not have been aware. They may not have understood where the wreath was going to be used. Nevertheless, the legion should be providing only environmentally friendly items such as wreaths. It is not a matter of whether the use is on land or at sea. The same standard should apply, the legion are presently guilty of polluting whether they realize it or not. I hope this morning radio article along with my blog might be read by those to whom this serious matter concerns. God Bless and keep reading.

Island Seasons.

Many Islanders would say we only have two seasons, Summer and Winter. Spring is just mud and Fall just waiting for winter. However, it is easy to see our two seasons are among the most beautiful on Earth. Presently we are in winter with snow and ice and icy winds.

But we are half way through February and summer is just around the corner, its a big corner, but we can wait.

Looking at the comparisons reminds me of what we have to look forward too.

God Bless and keep reading

What I Was doing on this day Nine Years Ago?

On the 11th February 2011 I was in ICU recovering from heart surgery at the Queen Elizabeth Hospital in Halifax. It was a long story beginning in a mid January snowy morning. I was watching Arsenal play in the Premier league. Can’t remember who they were playing but they won the match. I wasn’t feeling very well and Linda said I should go to emergency, not until the game was over. As I finally agreed to go, I stopped on the way out to pick up the garbage, Linda was rapidly losing patience’s. At the emergency department I was ushered right in, that in its self was a surprise to me! I was convinced there was nothing wrong, I certainly wasn’t having a heart attack. The doctors differed and I was admitted and sent a constant care unit where my heart was monitored.  After a week I was transferred to Halifax via ambulance for dye tests. When I woke up after the test the doctor was standing over me. Hi Doc did you put a stent in? That was when it hit me, I had four blockages one serious. My main aorta was over 95% blocked. Had a piece of plaque broken off I would have dropped dead on the spot. I received four bypass surgery and slowly recovered. Today I thank God and Linda, without my smart wife and her wisdom I would not be here today writing this blog.

God Bless and keep reading