Weekend Funnies

The Man Who Knew Everyone

A friend of mine named Thomas once told me, around the time of Julie Gillard’s election as Prime Minister, “You know, Prime Gillard and I are buddies.”

I said, “Sure you are.”

He said, “No, really! Just turn on your TV tonight to the Western Bulldogs football game, you’ll see me.” Sure enough, I turned on the TV that night, and there was Thomas, talking to the Prime Minister with his arm around the girl.

Not long after, I was talking to Thomas about how much I admired Geoffery Rush as an actor. Thomas said, “Oh, he’s a good friend.”

I said, “Noooo!”

Thomas said, “Let’s hop in my car”. He drove me to the piano bar Geoffery Rush owns, and as we sipped drinks, Geoffery happened to walk by, immediately exclaimed “Thomas!” and fell into Thomas’s arms.

This was getting spooky. Thomas seemed to know everyone! I tested Thomas with a few more people. We were back in the Sydney. Thomas was telling me he was buddy-buddy with Greg Norman. We went to a Press Conference at Eastlake Golf Club, and just before Greg started answering questions, he said “I see my friend Thomas out there.”

Same kind of thing happened when we went to Kylie Minogue’s house and rang the bell. Kylie answered the door, said “Thomas!” gave my friend a big hug, and invited us in for drinks.

I was becoming a believer, but then one day we were having another conversation and Thomas said something about “my friend the Pope.”

I said, “You can’t know him, too!”

Thomas said, “Wanna bet?”

Thomas happens to be very well off (Ha Ha), so he flew the both of us to Rome. We took a cab to St. Peters Square. We were standing in the big crowd below the balcony of the Pope’s apartment. Thomas said, “Excuse me for a little while” and disappeared into the crowd.

A little while after that, Pope Francis appeared on the balcony and started blessing people. And who should be up there beside him but…you guessed it!

I was utterly amazed! I nudged a fellow standing next to me, pointed to the balcony, and said, “Look!”

The guy shaded his eyes with his palm, peered up at the balcony, turned back to me, and said, “Who’s that guy up there with Thomas?”

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School

Thomas came home from his first day at school.

His mother asked him, “Well, what did you learn today?”

Thomas replied, “Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow.”

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Relative

Thomas was reminiscing about his grandfather;

“I want to die peacefully and in my sleep like my grandpa, not screaming and crying like the passengers in his car.”

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Betting

Thomas and a friend were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. “I’ll bet you $10 he’ll jump,” said his friend. “Bet you $10 he won’t,” said Thomas.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The Thomas hands his friend the money.

“I can’t take your money,” says his friend. “I cheated you. The same story was on the five o’clock news.” “No, no. Take it,” says Thomas. “I saw the five o’clock news too. I just didn’t think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!”

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Drinking

Thomas goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, “What’ll it be mate?”

Thomas says, “Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles.” The bartender does this and watches Thomas slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he’s doing all this drinking.

Thomas says “You’d drink them this fast too if you had what I have.”

The bartender hastily asks, “What do you have pal?”

Thomas quickly replies, “I have a dollar.”

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Bus Ride

A drunken Thomas gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks Thomas up and down and says, “I’ve got news for you. You’re going straight to hell!”

Thomas jumps up out of his seat and shouts, “Man, I’m on the wrong bus!”

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Smart Soldier

It was a dark, stormy, night. Thomas was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Thomas snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out “Sir, Good Evening, Sir!”

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said “Good evening soldier, nice night, isn’t it?”

Well it wasn’t a nice night, but Thomas wasn’t going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied “Sir, Yes Sir!”.

The General continued, “You know there’s something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it’s really relaxing. Don’t you agree?”

Thomas didn’t agree, but then Thomas was just a private, and responded “Sir, Yes Sir!”

The General, pointing at the dog, “This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train.”

Thomas glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said “Sir, Yes Sir!”

The General continued “I got this dog for my wife.”

Thomas simply said “Good trade Sir!”

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Another Smart Soldier

A sergeant was addressing a squad of 20 and said: “I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest.”

19 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the other man “why didn’t you raise your hand?” Thomas replied: “Too much trouble, sarge.”

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Author of LILY & ME , and THE ROYAL NAVY & ME
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