Weekend Funnies

A lovely story



Back in 1986 when I working as a Communications Instructor at the Army’s School of Armour I was also the treasurer of the Regimental Funds (You could call it the Unit Social Club). We had a small shop where we sold Army stuff and souvenir’s to raise money for social events. One item we sold were handmade pottery mugs, all different, with your name on them. A home for disabled people made them. Janet and I purchased a mug for each of our family members, I still have mine.





I was reminded of this by this story that Janet brought home from the Nursing Home where she does volunteering. It’s a lovely story so I thought I’d share it.



When we were children, I am sure we all heard delightful stories that brought us into the world of fantasy and magic. As I recall some of the ones I was told, I now realise they held a greater secret, the secret of life which was rarely if ever unlocked. Let me give you an example. The story of grandparents searching for a gift, a beautiful gift for their 4 year old grandson.



After scouring the shops, they finally spotted the perfect gift, a beautiful magical colourful cup.



“Look at this lovely cup”, she says to her husband. He picks it up and says, ‘You’re right! This is one of the loveliest teacups I have ever seen.”



At this point something remarkable happened – something that could only happen in a children’s book. The teacup says to the grandparents, ‘Thank you but I wasn’t always beautiful’. Instead of being surprised that the cup can talk, the grand parents ask it, “What do you mean when you say you weren’t always beautiful?”



“Well,” says the teacup, “Once I was just an ugly soggy lump of clay. But one day some man with dirty wet hands threw me on a sheel. The he started turning me around and around until I got so dizzy I couldn’t see straight. ‘Stop! Stop!’, I cried. But the man with the wet hand said, ‘Not Yet!’



“Then he started to poke me and punch me until I hurt all over. ‘Stop! Stop!’ I cried. But the man said ‘Not Yet’. Finally, he did stop. But then he did something much worse. He put me into a furnace. I got hotter and hotter until I couldn’t stand it. ‘Stop! Stop!’ I cried. But the man said ‘Not Yet’. Finally when I thought I was going to burn up the man took me out of the furnace.”



“Then some short lady began to paint me. The fumes got so bad that they me feel sick. ‘Stop! Stop!’, I cried. ‘Not Yet’, said the lady. “Finally she did stop. But then she gave me back to the man again and he put me back into that awful furnace.”



“This time it was hotter than before. ‘Stop! Stop!’ I cried. But the man said ‘Not Yet’. “Finally he took me out of the furnace and let me cool. When I was completely cool a pretty lady put me on this shelf, next to this mirror.”



“When I looked at myself in the mirror, I was amazed. I could not believe what I saw. I was no longer ugly, soggy and dirty. I was beautiful, firm and clean. I cried for joy. It was then I realised that all the pain was worthwhile. Without itI would still be an ugly, soggy lump of wet clay. It was then that all the pain took on meaning for me – it passed but the beauty it brought has remained.”





I guess there’s a message in there for all of us.



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Cousin Elly



Cousin Elly, who happens to be blonde, is the world’s worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it.



Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, add coffee and water, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready.



A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.



“Wonderful!” she replied, “However, there’s one thing I don’t understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?”



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Twins



A friend of mine gets peeved when passers-by pat his twin three-year-olds on the head and ask, “Are they twins?” But he has found what he considers the perfect reply. “No, they’re not,” he says. “I’ve got two wives.”



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Four People on an Airplane



A Sunday School teacher asked her class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by one drawing — it showed four people on an airplane!



Teacher: “What Bible story is that?”



Kid: “It’s the flight to Egypt.”



Teacher: “I see … and that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus … but who’s the fourth person?”



Kid: “Oh, that’s Pontius, the Pilot.”



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Dublin Bank Robbery

Dublin Bank Robbery
Posted on MAY 15TH 2024by irishroverpei

This is just too funny not to share.. Excerpted from an article which appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe’s combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank’s audio tape system, one robber said, ‘At least we’ll have a bit to eat.’

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, nor an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered little bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The MORNING NEWSPAPER headline read:

‘IRELAND’S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING’

Guess we have to be careful what we bank on
God Bless and keep reading


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My Incurable Love

THIS IS AN OLD POST FROM OCT 6TH 2013, YOU WILL QUICKLY SEE NOTHING HAS CHANGED! EXCITED ABOUT THE NEXT CAR SHOW ON 26TH MAY WITH MY 1966 AUSTIN CAMBRIDGE. I HAVE HAD A FEW MORE CARS SINCE I WROTE THIS BLOG.  SO YES NOTHING HAS CHANGED.

My Incurable Love

Posted onOctober 6, 2013byirishroverpei

Yes of course first and for most that is my beloved wife Linda. However, long before I met Linda I had another incurable love, and that was the automobile. Not just any automobile, but especially old British models. If I had all the money I have spent on buying and selling cars I’d be rich. Yet I suppose in a way I’m rich, perhaps not with money but the knowledge and memories of all those many cars. The fun I had, the laughs and the tears,the oil and grease on my clothes, and the trouble I got into for the latter. I have no idea how many vehicles I have owned in my life time but it must be in the hundreds. In 1960 alone I bought and sold or gave away approximately twenty different cars, all pre-war models. Some of them ran some didn’t. In 1960 I traded a 1936 Hillman for a 1938 Jaguar 1 1/2 litre, it was an amazing vehicle and I almost reached London from Portsmouth before the engine failed. Sold it in Guildford to a scrap dealer for 8 pounds and took the train the rest of the way!! The Hillman didn’t fair much better, its new owner told me he was talking a corner too fast and the front passenger door flew open and his girl friend almost fell out (ex girl friend now). This is just a tiny sampling of the many adventures and stories I have experienced over the years. Is it any wonder that even now I can’t stop, can’t be sensible and make do with the one very nice 2013 Kia Soul we presently own. No I’m afraid I can’t, Every once in a while I make the firm decision to sell off my old car and call it a day, no more cars for me, too old, can’t work on them anymore etc. Sadly that only works for a short while before I start convincing myself I should have another car. I’m on the trail now looking for a Mini Cooper, not the original Mini, but the newer BMW Mini. I know that they are not really British but are as close as I can get and they are at least still manufactured in the UK. I have reasoned that as they are new cars I can have all the servicing done at the local garage, remember I said I can’t work on cars anymore???
Does any of this make a lot of sense???probably not, but my desire is incurable and even Linda understands and insists I start looking again.
Well it is Sunday morning and time for church, perhaps I can pray for guidance. However, by this afternoon I shall still be on the trail for a car!!!!

God Bless and keep reading.

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Mother’s Day Dinner

On Mothers Day we visited the old Stanley Bridge United Church, they were holding a roast beef dinner with all the trimmings. The building is no longer a church, and is very well set up for dining. Easy access for wheelchair, good ramp and simple washrooms entry/exit. The volunteers running the dinners were absolutely exceptional, the two young girls serving tables did an excellent job. The premises were clean and spacious. Most importantly the food! Best dinner I have had in ages, but the desserts!!! were to die for. When we parked a gentleman (volunteer)was there to wheel me up the ramp into the dining area, and on leaving did so again. I can’t say enough about this Stanley Bridge Mother’s Day event. We all had (seven) a wonderful time. Happy Mothers Day
God Bless and keep reading.
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Weekend Funnies

The Burial



Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.



Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys honoured his wish.



They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Mick says, ‘Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?’



Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.



‘Dis’ll never do, Mick. Let’s row some more.’



After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.



Again Mick asks Paddy, ‘Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?’



Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says,

‘No dis’ll neva do.’ The water was only up to his chest.



So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears.



Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.



‘Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?’



WAIT FOR IT







‘Aye ’tis,



NOW hand me dat shovel.’



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The Brain



Oh my God, I have finally discovered what’s wrong with my brain. On the left side there is nothing right, and on the right side there is nothing left.



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Weight Control



Managing your weight around the holidays just requires a little planning…..



For example, I took the batteries out of my scale on Wednesday.



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Right TV Channel



I’m watching this show for like, 10 minutes and the Lady is listing all these really neat things to do.



Then I realise it’s the Religious Channel and she was listing Sins.



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A Child’s View of Thunderstorms



A little girl walked to and from school daily. Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to school. As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with lightning.



The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school. She also feared the electrical storm might harm her child.



Full of concern, the mother got into her car and quickly drove along the route to her child’s school. As she did, she saw her little girl walking along. At each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up, and smile.



More lightning followed quickly and with each, the little girl would look at the streak of light and smile. When the mother drew up beside the child, she lowered the window and called, “What are you doing?”



The child answered, “I am trying to look pretty because God keeps taking my picture.”



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School Prize



My son burst into the room and excitedly announced he had won a prize in his Grade 1 class.



After telling him how proud of him I was, I asked what he had achieved.



“I won,” he said, “for having the oldest mom in the whole class!”



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Marriage Secret



When I asked a friend the secret to his 52 years of marriage, he replied, “We never go to sleep angry.”



“That’s a great philosophy,” I noted.



“Yes. And the longest we’ve been awake so far is five days.”



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Job Choice



I recently asked a friend, “Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?”



“He wants to be a rubbish collector,” my friend said.



“That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age,” I managed to reply.



“Well,” said the boy’s father, “he thinks that rubbish collectors only work on Tuesdays.”



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Your Way



At a family gathering, a husband began teasing his wife about how she always get her way.



“Honey,” she said to her husband, “when I get my way, that’s a compromise.”



“What is it when I get my way?” he was quick to ask.



She replied, “That’s a miracle.”



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Political Correctness Definition



Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and promoted by a sick mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end!



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Robber!



A little Mind reader robbed a bank, the Police put out an APB for a Small, Medium at Large.



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Rome Pedestrian

In Rome (or any large Italian city), a police officer asked a stopped motorist how he happened to hit a pedestrian in the crosswalk.

“I didn’t even touch him,” explained the driver. “I saw him in the crosswalk, came to a complete stop, and motioned for him to cross. That’s when he fainted.”



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MVI’s

Motor Vehicle Inspection, I raised this issue last year and several times earlier. In each case it fell on deaf ears, promises of looking into it. Graham Miner claimed it was just an extra layer of safety. In fact new automobiles do not require a provincial safety inspection, the dealerships provide a Pre Delivery Inspection. The provincial fee of $35 is merely charged for a mechanic to place a safety sticker on the windshield. Thirty dollars of this inspection goes to the dealer, and $4.50 to government coffers. This is not a large amount of money, however we are paying for something that doesn’t happen. In a province with the highest taxation in Canada, this is not only unjust it borders on daylight robbery. The time has come for the provincial government to recognize this fee is unnecessary and unethical. We are the only Maritime province practicing this form of taxing. It was interesting that last year when this issue was raised, CBC interviewed garage employees. In every case the person interviewed claimed the inspection was needed. Well of course they would, it’s in their interest to do so! It is wrong and needs to be changed, we should be inline with our sister provinces. I have no intentions of giving up on this issue, King needs to listen to the voters.
God bless and keep reading
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In The Good Ol Days

In the Good Old Days????
Posted on
May 7th 2024 by irishroverpei


How many times have we heard the term, “in the good old days”???? In fact in my memorybook cover_0001 they were seldom good, as children we were never prepared for the adult world. As a boy in puberty I recall asking about girls and was told I didn’t need to know that until I married. That serious lack of knowledge led me into a miserable six year marriage. Whilst stationed in Scotland with the navy I had sex with a local girl. Two weeks later she told me she was pregnant. In those good old days we did the honourable thing. I married her on Saturday 29th November at 2pm, please note this date. Two days later the 31st November she told me she had a miscarriage. Of course I later came to realise I had been taken in by one of the oldest tricks in the book. Whilst I was in the navy married life was tolerable, mainly because I was away much of the time. We had a daughter in January 1965 and this would remain the only blessing of this union. After leaving the navy married life went from bad to worse, In 1969 I learned she had a boy friend and was pregnant by him. I began divorce proceedings, and six years to the day on the 29th November 1969 at 2pm at the Nova Scotia court house my divorce was granted. I recall my lawyer telling me not to say anything, the old judge was a Catholic and would give me a lecture on the sanctity of marriage, but would have no choice but to grant the divorce. It was difficult to listen to him,, he had no idea about my situation nevertheless I remained quiet. Moments later I walked down the steps of the court house a free man. I imagined at the time, it must be a similar feeling to a man being released from Alcatraz. I was walking on air and happier than I had been in a long time. A few years later I won custody of my daughter. Seems a long time ago now and maybe I can look back and sayIMG_0001 they were the good old days, or maybe not.
This is just a brief account of that fateful marriage, the full story can be read in my book “The Royal Navy & Me”

God Bless and keep reading


Author of LILY & ME , and THE ROYAL NAVY & ME
Visit blog and website?? http://www.irishroversbooks.com

First Sunday in May is Battle of the AtlanticPosted on May 5th, 2024 by irishroverpeiThe Battle of the Atlantic was the longest continuous battle of the Second World War and one in which Canada played a central role. The battle began on the opening day of the war in September 1939 and ended almost six years later with Germany’s surrender in May 1945.Early in the war, German U-boats took a heavy toll on merchant shipping as the Allies struggled to find effective ways to combat the enemy threat. Between 1939 and 1942, the Germans increased the number of U-boats from 30 to 300 and developed effective hunting techniques like using groups of submarines, called wolfpacks, to attack convoys. Their efforts initially paid off, with 454,000 tonnes of shipping being lost to German U-boats in June 1941 alone. Their successes continued as nearly 400 Allied ships were sunk between January and July 1942, while only seven U-boats were lost. The situation was very serious for the Allies, as merchant ships were being sunk faster than they could be replaced, thereby putting the supply link between North America and Europe at great risk.Technology played an important role in the Battle of the Atlantic. Aircraft were effective in protecting merchant ships, but the Allied planes used earlier in the war did not have enough range to offer air cover for the convoys all the way across the Atlantic. Indeed, the central area of the ocean beyond aircraft range became known as the “Black Pit” as that was where many of the heaviest convoy losses occurred. However, the introduction of new long-range planes helped reduce the hazards of this dangerous portion of the run.Both sides kept trying to get the upper hand in technology and tactics during the Battle of the Atlantic. Germany developed torpedoes that were attracted to the noise made by a ship’s propellers. Allied scientists responded by inventing a noise-making device that was towed behind a ship to divert the torpedoes. New radar and sonar (ASDIC) technologies helped the Allies find the U-boats and new weapons, like the “Hedgehog” bombs, helped sink the submarines more effectively. The Germans also developed technological advancements like snorkel tubes that allowed U-boats to run their diesel engines while travelling underwater and on-board radar that increased their submarines’ capabilities. Eventually, the improved equipment and tactics of the Allies finally helped turn the tide of the battle in their favour, with the U-boat fleet suffering heavy losses during the later phases of the war.The growth of Canada’s navy was remarkable. At the beginning of the Second World War, the RCN had only six ocean-going ships and 3,500 personnel. By the end of the war, Canada had one of the largest navies in the world with 434 commissioned vessels and 95,000 men and women in uniform. Canada’s industry also played an important role in the growth of our military and merchant navies. From 1941 to 1945, Canadian shipyards produced approximately 403 merchant ships, 281 fighting ships, 206 minesweepers, 254 tugs, and 3,302 landing craft.Furthermore, Canada played an important role in directing Allied efforts in the Battle of the Atlantic. In 1943, Rear Admiral Leonard Murray was put in charge of the Allied air and naval forces in the Northwest Atlantic—the only theatre of war commanded by a Canadian during the conflict.Crows Nest St Johns NFLD. Where the convoy Captains planned their routesOn Sunday, I ask you take a moment to remember the sacrifice and bravery of those mariners that fought for our freedom and never returned to shore. “At the going down of the sun and in the morning “We Will Remember Them.”God Bless and keep readingAuthor of LILY & ME , and THE ROYAL NAVY & MEVisit blog and website?? www.irishroversbooks.com

Weekend Funnies

The Man Who Knew Everyone

A friend of mine named Thomas once told me, around the time of Julie Gillard’s election as Prime Minister, “You know, Prime Gillard and I are buddies.”

I said, “Sure you are.”

He said, “No, really! Just turn on your TV tonight to the Western Bulldogs football game, you’ll see me.” Sure enough, I turned on the TV that night, and there was Thomas, talking to the Prime Minister with his arm around the girl.

Not long after, I was talking to Thomas about how much I admired Geoffery Rush as an actor. Thomas said, “Oh, he’s a good friend.”

I said, “Noooo!”

Thomas said, “Let’s hop in my car”. He drove me to the piano bar Geoffery Rush owns, and as we sipped drinks, Geoffery happened to walk by, immediately exclaimed “Thomas!” and fell into Thomas’s arms.

This was getting spooky. Thomas seemed to know everyone! I tested Thomas with a few more people. We were back in the Sydney. Thomas was telling me he was buddy-buddy with Greg Norman. We went to a Press Conference at Eastlake Golf Club, and just before Greg started answering questions, he said “I see my friend Thomas out there.”

Same kind of thing happened when we went to Kylie Minogue’s house and rang the bell. Kylie answered the door, said “Thomas!” gave my friend a big hug, and invited us in for drinks.

I was becoming a believer, but then one day we were having another conversation and Thomas said something about “my friend the Pope.”

I said, “You can’t know him, too!”

Thomas said, “Wanna bet?”

Thomas happens to be very well off (Ha Ha), so he flew the both of us to Rome. We took a cab to St. Peters Square. We were standing in the big crowd below the balcony of the Pope’s apartment. Thomas said, “Excuse me for a little while” and disappeared into the crowd.

A little while after that, Pope Francis appeared on the balcony and started blessing people. And who should be up there beside him but…you guessed it!

I was utterly amazed! I nudged a fellow standing next to me, pointed to the balcony, and said, “Look!”

The guy shaded his eyes with his palm, peered up at the balcony, turned back to me, and said, “Who’s that guy up there with Thomas?”

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School

Thomas came home from his first day at school.

His mother asked him, “Well, what did you learn today?”

Thomas replied, “Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow.”

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Relative

Thomas was reminiscing about his grandfather;

“I want to die peacefully and in my sleep like my grandpa, not screaming and crying like the passengers in his car.”

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Betting

Thomas and a friend were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. “I’ll bet you $10 he’ll jump,” said his friend. “Bet you $10 he won’t,” said Thomas.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The Thomas hands his friend the money.

“I can’t take your money,” says his friend. “I cheated you. The same story was on the five o’clock news.” “No, no. Take it,” says Thomas. “I saw the five o’clock news too. I just didn’t think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!”

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Drinking

Thomas goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, “What’ll it be mate?”

Thomas says, “Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles.” The bartender does this and watches Thomas slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he’s doing all this drinking.

Thomas says “You’d drink them this fast too if you had what I have.”

The bartender hastily asks, “What do you have pal?”

Thomas quickly replies, “I have a dollar.”

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Bus Ride

A drunken Thomas gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks Thomas up and down and says, “I’ve got news for you. You’re going straight to hell!”

Thomas jumps up out of his seat and shouts, “Man, I’m on the wrong bus!”

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Smart Soldier

It was a dark, stormy, night. Thomas was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Thomas snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out “Sir, Good Evening, Sir!”

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said “Good evening soldier, nice night, isn’t it?”

Well it wasn’t a nice night, but Thomas wasn’t going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied “Sir, Yes Sir!”.

The General continued, “You know there’s something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it’s really relaxing. Don’t you agree?”

Thomas didn’t agree, but then Thomas was just a private, and responded “Sir, Yes Sir!”

The General, pointing at the dog, “This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train.”

Thomas glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said “Sir, Yes Sir!”

The General continued “I got this dog for my wife.”

Thomas simply said “Good trade Sir!”

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Another Smart Soldier

A sergeant was addressing a squad of 20 and said: “I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest.”

19 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the other man “why didn’t you raise your hand?” Thomas replied: “Too much trouble, sarge.”

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂


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Does the world want four more years of Trump??

Does the world want four more years of Trump??????
History Repeating Itself.
Posted on November 13, 2018 by irishroverpei
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(1) Trump-Make America Great Again. Adolph Hitler-Creating a Master Race. (2)Trump-Nationalism. Adolph Hitler-National socialism (NAZIS) (3) Trump-Fake News. Adolph Hitler-policy of Gleichschaltung.(control of free press) (4) Trump-Anti immigration policy aimed at non white races. Adolph Hitler-Anti Jewish Policy. (5) Trump-Supporter of White Supremacy-Neo Nazis. Adolph Hitler- Brown shirts. (6) Trump-Homeland Terrorism blame Muslins. Adolph Hitler- burning of Reichstag, blame Communists. (7) Trump declared himself a Stable Genius. Adolph Hitler declared himself a Military Genius.imageimage

These are but a few of the similarities between Hitler’s rise to power in Germany and Trumps presidency in the USA. Hitler, by threats, bluster and outrage he slowly isolated himself and Germany from the civilized world. Trump by his arrogance inane comments lies and outright rage at everyone who doesn’t agree with him is isolating the USA from all its allies. Scary times while this dangerously incompetent president remains in power. The question the whole civilized world needs to ask, do we allow history to repeat its self again??????.

God Bless and keep reading



Author of LILY & ME , and THE ROYAL NAVY & ME
Visit blog and website?? http://www.irishroversbooks.com