Weekend Funnies


Cleaning Up (Thanks to Veronica for this one)

Our neighbour’s dog crapped in our garden so my wife told to me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence

I don’t see what that solved, now we’ve still got dog crap in our garden and the neighbour’s have our shovel.

πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

Child Labour 

One Grandfather to another β€œIn general, I don’t believe in child labour. But sometimes they’re the only ones who can figure out what’s wrong with my computer.”

πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

Long-winded Speech

A man giving a long-winded speech finally says, “I’m sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home.”

A voice from the crowd says, “There’s a calendar behind you.”

πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

Fishing Trip

After returning from a fishing trip with her husband, a wife confessed to her neighbor:

“I did everything all wrong again today — I talked too much and too loud. I used the wrong bait. I reeled in too soon and, worst of all, I caught more fish than he did.”

πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

True Apathy

When I was 13. I was a little hellion so my folks took me to a shrink.

After a month of talking to me, he announced, “I don’t know what to do with you. You’re too apathetic.”

Assuming that “apathetic” meant something horrible, in my usual style I replied, “I don’t care.”

πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

Did you know?

Teacher: A single ant can live for up to 29 years.

Student: What about a married one?

πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

Advice

Dad to Son: The Philosopher Plato once said β€œI am the wisest man alive, for I know one thing and that is that I know nothing.”

Son: β€œHow did he know that?”

Dad: β€œHis wife told him.”

πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

About irishroverpei

Author of "Lily & Me", "The Royal Navy & Me" and Chapter XXl Armageddon. Writer, blogger and RN Submariner, antique automobile enthusiast.
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