* My tolerance for idiots is extremely low today. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there is a new strain out there.
* As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of … it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
* Sorry I haven’t gotten anything done today. I’ve been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.
* Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, “That can’t be accurate.”
* I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
* Teacher: Give me a sentence which includes the words: defense, defeat, detail. Student: When a horse jumps over defense, defeat go first and then detail.
* I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.
* Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation, “Maybe next time,” isn’t the correct response.
* I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that’s where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.
* Felt uncomfortable driving into the cemetery. The GPS blurted out, “You have reached your final destination.”
* My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen and I have no clue where the music is coming from.
* Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling, and I’m alive.
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Super Dress
Shortly after the birth of their second child, a husband offered to take his wife shopping for a new dress. He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated.
As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband’s opinion. By this time he had learned just the right things to say. “It’s perfect!” he exclaimed. “It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer, and slenderizes your hips.”
Just then another lady in the dressing room spoke out. “If there is a dress here that will do that, I’ll buy them all!”
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School Report
Young student to teacher “I don’t want to scare you. But my Dad says if I don’t get better report cards, someone is going to get a good spanking!”
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Scientific Questions, answered by a parent who just wants their child to go to sleep as it’s past their bedtime.
Q. ‘Why is the sky blue?’
A. ‘It just is.’
Q. ‘Why is it bedtime but it’s still bright outside?’
A. ‘Because the sun is older then you. So it gets to stay up late.’
Q. ‘Are you older then the sun?’
A. ‘Yes.’
Q. ‘Are there sharks in space/’
A ‘Go to sleep.’
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Rhyming
Someone said “Nothing rhymes with orange.”
I said “No it doesn’t.”
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The World Today
“Can someone update me on what’s offensive today?”
“It’s hard to keep up”
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The Accident
Two men crash into each other at an intersection. The first man steps out of his wrecked car screaming, “You rotten driver, you wrecked my Mercedes! I’m a lawyer, and I’m going to sue you for everything you have!”
The other man responds, “You lawyers only care about money, you don’t even realize you just lost an arm.”
The lawyer looks down where his arm should be and yells “Where’s my Rolex!”
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Behind Every Man Is His Mother
–A picture of George Washington’s head is on the front of every dollar bill. It is funny because Mrs. Washington said, “George never did have a head for money.”
–Charles Lindbergh was the first man to fly across the Atlantic solo and his mom would often say to him, “Charles, can’t you do anything by yourself?”
–Neil Armstrong’s mother often said, “Neil has no more business taking flying lessons than the man in the moon.”
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